Have you ever felt unworthy or worthless? I have. Actually, my mother told me I was worthless and she even showed it to me with the way she treated me.
I’m going to share with you some really vulnerable things about myself. Not the kinds of things you’d usually read on a Christian website.
Vulnerable Disclosure AboutMy Worth
Why do I feel comfortable being vulnerable with you on the topic of worthiness?
Being vulnerable has its own consequesnces of unfair judgment (I am exposing my mess to YOU now and YOU can leave this blog and potentially tell the world about my failures and my mess).
Speaking about my failures is painful, even though there are so many lessons that others really need to know; in adddition to that, the comfort we receive while going through adversity we must share with others who are going through the same adversity now. And we must spread the message of hope, faith, and perseverance.
Exposing my weaknesses, vulnerabilities, or failures may affect my opportunities, friendships, and my daily life in general and even cause others to question my credibility because in general people think if I expose your failures, I’m weak; however, I believe that my genuine vulnerability is the powerhouse that can transform my mess into your success and my pain into your gain.
So, I will share all the truth with you here, but first, let’s define the words we will use.The Definition of “Worthy”
The word “worthy” describes the value equivalent to that of someone or something under consideration. It sets the level at which someone or something deserves to be valued or rated.
The level at which I was “to be valued or rated,” from my mother’s perspective, was very low. She explicitly told me how she didn’t want me, how she went to abort me, how much she hated and despised me, and how she wanted me dead.
My mother forced me to get on my knees and beg her, even publicly, so I tried to commit suicide twice at 11 and 12 to escape my narcissistic mother.
She got me addicted to porn, and I was already a sex-addict at just 16 years old. She served me with alcohol at home and in public from the age of about five years old, so I became an alcoholic.
My mother taught me that I didn’t deserve her love or protection. She called random girls her daughters telling people that she despised me.
She told me many times: “I hate you and I despise you!” She criticized every part of my body, character, voice, smile, and even the way I walked.
My mother persuaded me that I was worthless and nothing good was waiting for me in my future.
I was angry. I was an addict. I slept around, even with married men. I drank, smoked, and partied constantly, seeking to find at least some kind of meaning in my life.
My mother was extremely abusive and physically violent. Cussing was her normal way of speaking with me. The emotions of rejection, hatred, and contempt she expressed toward me regularly are the only memories I have of her.
I actually wrote a poem as I was processing my thoughts while working on this devotional.
“A Narcissistic Mother” 10/6/18
A Narcissistic Mother is egotistical and incapable of love or compassion.
She is self-centered and only for herself does she experience any genuine passion.
She is a caregiver who treats her daughter as if the child’s aim were to be of service.
She deliberately persuades her daughter that she’s unloved, undeserving, unwanted, and worthless.
The Narcissistic Mother is one moment raging and next moment she is smiling.
She behaves unpredictably; her goal is to win people’s compliments and admiring.
She has an enmeshed relationship with her daughter where her child’s needs don’t even exist.
If she decides to appear nice, she is pleasant, but in a split of a second she’s violent and pissed.
She uses her daughter to fuel her ego or get some money; that’s pretty much it.
And of course, her true motives she would never to anyone candidly admit.
The Narcissistic Mother sucks a life out her daughter and says openly: “I just want you dead!”
Her daughter ends up with a long-lasting emotional trauma and a hard-to-fix mess in her head.
I grew up cussing, raging, and being full of hatred myself, because the level at which I was “to be valued or rated” was set very low by my narcissistic mother.
And I married a well-covered up narcissist in my 30s.
The Narcissist manipulated my mind in a very similar way my mother did. He applied on me multiple well-known narcissistic techniques that lead to the narcissistic victim feeling discarded and worthless.
I felt discarded and worthless but also I had such a conflict between who I was before I married the narcissist and who I became afterwards.
Many women who experienced Narcissistic Abuse suffer from self-rejection. After enduring discarding from The Narcissist, becoming someone you are not is inevitable. Not recognizing yourself in depression is something many Narcissistic victims report. I did a podcast on it last year explaining the internal conflict I struggled with and the latter Anna Stevens wrote to Anna Szabo (both are me of course):
Feeling unworthy of love, respect, future, and life itself is what narcissists want their victims to experience. They very often drive their victims to suicide.
And that was what I experienced. It was so familiar: my marriage with the Narcissist was very similar to my everyday life with my narcissistic mother.
I felt unworthy as a result of being unwanted. My mother told me how she went to abort me because she didn’t want me. The Narcissist told me four months after our wedding how he didn’t want me anymore and wasn’t interested in being married to me but wanted to be an IronMan instead.
As I analyzed the commonalities among those two experiences, I realized that the feeling of worthlessness was directly associated with the feeling of being unwanted.
Was my sense of worth rooted in those people’s approval of me?
Where My Worth Comes From
I realized as I was going through my recovery from narcissistic abuse that I drew my worth from wrong places.
My desire was to be accepted and wanted by my mother and my husband. They just didn’t want to accept me and chose to reject me. I felt worthless and helpless. Helplessness led me to experiencing hopelessness. Hopelessness led me to a severe suicidal depression.
The above breakthrough in my thinking empowered me to seek the source of my true worth.
Galatians 2:20 says this:
“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
This verse is packed with goodness!
I found out that I was loved, that I was worthy of such a sacrifice, and that all the old things have passed. I was new.
I discovered that I was a child of God, made perfect in His image, set apart for His divine purpose. My worth was discovered!
Jesus loved me so much that He died for me on the cross. And once I placed my faith in Him, HE himself began living THROUGH me.
The level at which I “deserved to be valued or rated” was now set so high that my eyes were filled with tears. My worth was set at the price of the life of Jesus!
How To Feel Worthy Again
Discovering my worth was incredible. But the question still was: what about my past? All my sin, addictions, aggression, and anger… What about those things?
Shame prevented me from wearing my Princess crown with my head held up high. Coming to the cross and accepting God’s amazing grace was the answer.
1 Corinthians 6:11 says this:“…you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”
My sin was washed away with the blood of Jesus. I was new. Everything in me and in my life was now new. No more shame, no anger, and no need for people’s approval.
Interestingly enough, I was only able to accept the fact that I am a Princess after accepting the fact that I was sanctified and redeemed by the blood of Jesus.
Coming to the cross is incredibly powerful when we’re searching for life’s meaning and our sense of worth.
The blood of Jesus was the price God paid to have me. He purchased me for a high price of Christ’s life, so I can be His and not the world’s.
When I accepted Jesus as my lord and savior, I was justified. No debt owed, no sins remembered. I was redeemed from slavery to sin and set apart for God’s purpose, aka sanctified. https://www.gotquestions.org/sanctified.html
Sanctified means set apart for God’s special purpose. Redeemed means that a high price was paid in full for God to have me for Himself.
Sanctification is also a process of becoming Christ-like.
I accepted that I am worthy of love, blessings, favor, and a beautiful future.
What about you?
To reflect the truth about your worth and worthiness, I created this Biblical Affirmation. Repeat after me:
I AM WORTHY
For me, on the cross Jesus Christ died.Because I’m worthy of God’s love, He chose to be crucified. I was washed with His blood, sanctified, and justified.By the Spirit of God I have been purified.
ANY TIME YOU FEEL UNWORTHY, practice this Biblical affirmation out loud to remember your great worth.
Please share this devotional with a friend who really needs to hear the message.
How will your life be different now that you understand your great worth? Share with me in the comments below to give God the honor and glory and to encourage others.
If this devotional was helpful, download all #52Devotionals now.
Dear #TruePrincesses! I’m Anna Szabo, the founder of Online Discipleship For Women.
On this Christian blog for women, I write about the six pillars of joyful living: Faith, Food, Fitness, Finances, Felicity, and Fortitude.
Please post your comments and questions for me. Your opinions, thoughts, life stories, and experiences matter. Why? Because every story is for God’s glory. I share with you my life experiences and believe that God has each of us on a very special journey. He wants to uniquely equip and qualify us for special ministry in His kingdom. The purpose of adversity is for us to persevere, grow in faith, and share hope with others. So, share freely here!
May this ministry be a blessing to you!