Have you ever wondered if you actually matter? I have. In fact, not only have I quietly doubted on the inside, but I’ve heard people say to me that I was worthless. I’ve also seen people show me how little I mattered to them.
Feeling Worthless and Being Told So
I was born out of wedlock in Russia in 1983 into a family of alcoholics to a single mother who hated me.
There were ten people in a 4-bedroom condo: my mom, me, her middle sister and her daughter, her little sister and her family, and my grandparents.
My grandma was so ashamed of me being fatherless, she insisted that I never call her “grandma” in front of people.
My family made and sold their own alcohol. My grandma, my aunt, and my mom were all working as generators, and they envisioned that same profession as a perfect future for me.
Emotional and physical abuse, rape, two suicide attempts – I’ve been through it all.
My life at home was awful, abusive, humiliating and debilitating.
My mother started getting me addicted to porn when I was very young. I kept my virginity till 16, which was too long for her and she highly encouraged me to finally just give it away. So, I did.
My mother told me on a regular basis: “You’re worthless, I hate you and I just want you dead!”
My mother was a narcissist who only wanted me around when she could get something from me or from having me.
When I gave her admiration, when I did exactly as she ordered me, when she was getting payments for having me, when she was getting compliments for my beauty as a little dressed-up girl, those were the times she wanted me.
All other times, my narcissistic mother discarded me as a piece of nothingness, ignored me, and gave me silent treatment.
Being Treated by Others as Worthless
Years passed by and now I was living in America. I was educated, happy, healthy, accomplished, and confident. And I was getting married to a wonderful Christian man.
It was May 14, 2016. Our wedding day. I became “Missis Szabo.”
He was a seminary graduate wedding-officiating Gospel-proclaimer who practiced narcissistic abuse on me behind closed doors.
The narcissist wanted me as his trophy.
narcissist is chief deceiver and liar video
The Narcissist wanted to have me for his own mental checkbox. He wanted to conquer me. He didn’t care a bit about me as I discovered after our wedding night. And he discarded me as if I were a a piece of nothingness. Unless I was fueling his ego with praise and admiration or provided money for him, he treated me as worthless.
narcissist’s ego video
I felt disoriented and devastated by the mental cruelty I was facing at home: projection, gaslighting, silent treatment, and so much more.
narcissist’s projection etc videos
I felt inadequate and worthless when on a sunny day in Decatur, GA he walked me to his car where his bicycle was attached to the back. And laughing in my face, he said: “And here’s my bicycle – my other wife I cheat on you with!”
My heart was shuttered, and its microscopic bleeding pieces seemed like they would never heal and be whole again… I felt like I was just slowly dying.
[loving the narcissist is like dying slowly]
I remember one early morning in our marital residence. He and I were still in bed. We were waking up.
When we were in premarital counseling discussing sex with our mentors, he expressed verbally and in writing that his hope was for me to pursue him sexually after our wedding.
That’s what I did that morning.
What happened next was heartbreaking.
He pushed me away, jumped off the bed, and screamed at me: “I don’t want none of this, I need to save myself for my IronMan training!”
I felt devastated. I felt ugly. I felt stupid. I felt deceived. I felt cheated on. I felt betrayed. I felt traded in for an IronMan bicycle. I felt sad. I felt sorrow. I felt hopeless.
I lost my sanity after he told me that his bicycle was his wife and that he needed to save his sexuality for his IronMan bicycle.
I wrote spoken word poetry to express my feelings and thoughts and to process my pain.
[narcissist manipulates your mind video]And then I finally realized: my mother and the Narcissist both discarded me and treated me as worthless.
I didn’t come into this world FROM my mother. I came THROUGH her. But the one I came FROM is God.
I had a breakthrough: my value is not assigned to me by either my narcissist-mother or narcissist-husband.
My value was assigned to me by the Almighty God before I was even born. The King of the Universe bright me here!
Who Established My Value
I learned from the Bible that God created me in His image as a masterpiece because He wanted to have me.
God designed every part of me. He knew my heart and my mind when I was still in my mother’s womb. He prepared His promises for me. He planned a future for me. And to show me His love, to show me how much He values me, He sent Jesus to die on the cross.
When Jesus bled and died on the cross, my high value was established as a precious child of God.
Luke 12:7 says this:“Indeed, the very hairs on your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”
God values me so much that He numbers every hair of mine. Number 1, number 2….
How much must God adore someone to number their hair? How much must He value them?
I discovered that my worth being more than that of many sparrows meant that I’m extremely valuable.
A sparrow or some other small, seemingly insignificant creature, doesn’t get much thought. Do they? But God gives them much thought. He knows when even one little bird falls to the ground.
We may say, “Of course He knows. He’s God. He knows everything.” But that’s not what this passage is talking about.
This Bible verse refers to God’s care and compassion – His love. It isn’t simply about His awareness of the situation. It’s about His close attention to even little birds, to every living creature.
He pays attention to many sparrows, and the verse taught me that I have much more of God’s attention.
How My Value Was Established
After I realized who established my value and that it wasn’t my mother or husband, I spent a lot of time thinking about how my value was established.
Jesus who was fully God became fully human to give His precious life for me. He suffered for me. He was betrayed for me. He was crucified, bled, and died for me.
With His blood, Jesus established my value. He paid a high price to redeem me from the world and to have me for Himself.
He set me free from anything that is not of God. He made me His. He made me a part of the King’s family.
Jesus Set Me Free from Feeling Worthless
Jesus made me a royal heir. He redeemed me from feelings of worthlessness. And He gave me the Holy Spirit to guide me to the realization of my actual high value.
Romans 8:2 says:“…because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.”
The law of sin and death is this: if YOU do this wrong, you will be punished like this and this for YOUR actions.
The law of the Spirit is this: if YOU do this and that wrong, you get God’s mercy and grace because of Christ’s actions.
My mother persuaded me that I was worthless and taught me to give my body away. But Jesus persuaded me that I was highly-valuable and He made my body a temple of the Holy Spirit.
My narcissistic husband persuaded me that I was worth nothing and even his IronMan bicycle was of more value than me. But Jesus persuaded me that I was a Princess, a daughter of the King.
My high value has been established when Jesus gave His life on the cross to redeem me and set me free. My value was established with the blood of Jesus.
Feeling Valuable and ShiningMy Light
My marriage with the Narcissist led me to experiencing severe hopelessness and even go through a suicidal depression.
I lived with him in the darkness of mental cruelty, being regularly discarded, and feeling like I was completely worthless.
That led me to social isolation due to the loss of confidence, and I ended up wearing my pajamas for several months just staying in bed all the time.
Matthew 5:16 says:
“In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”
Once I found out how valuable I actually am and who assigned such a high value to me, I decided to have joy.
I decided to let my light shine. I decided to carry my high value as a precious Princess of God, with joy.
God chose YOU to shineyour light in the world. Do you believe it?
If you do, memorize this Biblical affirmation I created for you to remember your value.
I am valuable
I am the most valuable to my Father GodAnd the number of my hair He knows.To pay for my freedom and life Christ died.To shine light in the world me He chose.
How will life be different now that you know your actual value? Share with me in the comments below so I can cheer you on.
If this devotional was helpful, download all #52Devotionals now.
Dear #TruePrincesses! I’m Anna Szabo, the founder of Online Discipleship For Women.
On this Christian blog for women, I write about the six pillars of joyful living: Faith, Food, Fitness, Finances, Felicity, and Fortitude.
Please post your comments and questions for me. Your opinions, thoughts, life stories, and experiences matter. Why? Because every story is for God’s glory. I share with you my life experiences and believe that God has each of us on a very special journey. He wants to uniquely equip and qualify us for special ministry in His kingdom. The purpose of adversity is for us to persevere, grow in faith, and share hope with others. So, share freely here!
May this ministry be a blessing to you!