Have you ever made too quick of a decision or judgment? I know from personal experience the kind of unbelievable regret that accompanies life when we are not giving thought to our ways (Proverbs 4:26). I remember the day I received an email from my best friend: “Your attorney contacted me. I will not be able to support you. Don’t contact me again…” In today’s devotional for women, I will share my thought process when I faced such a difficult life situation: the rejection, the instant loss of a friend, the disillusionment with our friendship of many years, and of course, the divorce itself. This devotion will reveal how God comforted my heart when I was willing to give thought to my ways. “I am thoughtful” affirmation included here will encourage and empower you.

Introduction

Francesqua betrayed me. She let me down, unexpectedly and at the worst possible time. My heart was broken and bleeding. I felt betrayed. Fran was the one who witnessed my life at home and knew the hell I lived through in my short marriage with the narcissist. Fran saw all the details of the narcissistic abuse inflicted on me by Michel. She was an important witness in my divorce case. She was the one who was there to pick me up to take me away from Michel’s abuse. She was the one who took me to her home and invited me to stay with her while Michel raged with anger. Fran was the one who let me sleep in the same bed with her in the 700 sq ft apartment because she saw how much trauma I endured in that marriage. I stayed with Fran while figuring out how to go about my narcissistic husband and his explosive anger. 

Francesqua was the one who knew everything.

Yet, she refused to speak the truth.

Today, when I’m writing this, is December 23rd, 2020. Three years have gone by since Francesqua asked for my forgiveness. In this devotional, I want to share how being thoughtful, aka giving thought to my ways, helped liberate my heart from bitterness and resentment before November 2017 when Fran ever reached to me with her apologies. My hope is that God will reveal Himself to you right now.

This devotion is filled with pain, drama, abuse, betrayal, and trauma. You will see how real life unfolded for me, and how my faith played out as God revealed Himself to me in the midst of unbearable, indescribable, wound-inflicting marriage tragedy on my personal journey of hope and fortitude. My ministry, Online Discipleship For Women, is not based on the prosperity Gospel. Here, you won’t find any content promoting maniac happiness, fake jolliness, and the deadly trap of toxic positivity. I do not create devotionals for women filled with meaningless pep-talk or motivation. My goal is to transform your faith in God. I want to help you create a joyful life by embracing God’s word. Joy comes not from motivational pep-talks but from having steadfast faith in God.

Genuine faith is transformed only by authentic, heartfelt, soul-shaking testimony. Such Christian testimony is a weapon we as believers can use to fight against and stand strong in spiritual warfare. That is why this devotional for women is based on my testimony: not motivational but authentic, heartfelt, and detailed.

Are you ready to grow in faith?

Divorce Jury Trial with Michel

Less than ten months prior to that incident with my best friend Francesqua, I walked down the aisle where Michel, the man I loved and adored, stood waiting for me, displaying his “tears of happiness” to all the guests at our wedding. He declared his “genuine” love for me to the world that very day. It was May 14th, 2016. Our wedding day. I became “Missis Szabo” and looked forward with a hopeful heart to spending the rest of my life with the man I at the time considered Christ-like.

Here’s our wedding video.

After the wedding, Michel abandoned our marriage and declared to me: “My bicycle is my other wife I cheat on you with.” It would have been innocent and funny, if only it wasn’t the truth of our marriage. Michel was gone, always. He spent every weekend either preparing for or competing in IronMan competitions. During our divorce jury trial, Michel admitted to spending 60 hours a week doing IronMan stuff in addition to his full-time job and a few other gigs, through which he made extra-cash to live a lifestyle he wasn’t able to afford. Michel also asked for my paycheck, which I did deposit into our joint checking account. He didn’t pay the mortgage or insurance, but instead, Michel used all the money to pay for his IronMan addiction. He completed three IronMan in the first four months of our marriage, and his friends called me “an IronWidow” explaining to me that I was married to a dead man.

It was true.

Four months after our wedding, Michel had already quit his job at church, abandoned our marriage, forgot all about God, and discarded me as his wife. After four months of marriage, my seminary-graduate Christian husband, who officiated weddings and facilitated premarital counseling for other Christians, came to me and said: “I don’t want to be married anymore. All I want is to be an IronMan and complete in Kona.” I wept… Every day, I drove 100 miles to work: 50 each way. I wept on my way to work, at the parking garage, during breaks, on my commute back home, and at night while praying on my knees.

Life with Michel was torturous. I described some of it in my essay called “Narcissistic Abuse Examples.” He was a double-minded man, unstable in his ways (James 1:6-8). He was extremely satanic, which I explained in great detail in my essay called “How Satan Came at Me Looking Saint.” He pulled me into multiple realities by going back and forth. He filed for divorce twice in our first few months of marriage. His process server Jerry delivered Michel’s divorce summons to me in September of 2016 as I was attending a Christian conference “Harvest” in Duluth, GA. In November 2016, Michel wanted to reconcile, to which I agreed with an open heart. My desire was to work on our marriage. On December 5th, 2016 Michel exploded with anger and rage to such an extent that Fran had to come get me out of our marital residence and let me stay with her to regroup. In January of 2017, right before my 34th birthday, Michel served me with his second divorce summons at work.

Court documents are public records. You can access them by providing the following case numbers for the two divorces Michel filed in our first few months of marriage: Michel Szabo vs Anna Szabo 16CV-1802-2 and Michel Szabo vs Anna Szabo 17CV-0058-2. Forsyth County

Enduring his abuse at home, in just a few months, I nearly lost my mind becoming severely depressed and suicidal. You can read about this in my essay called “What Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Do to Your Psyche.” The narcissistic abuse inflicted on me at home included explosive anger, consistent threats to harm me, Michel’s threats of suicide, gaslighting to manipulate me into believing that I was crazy, projection to make me feel guilty for Michel’s faults, and many other eloquent and clever narcissistic mental cruelty tactics. 

I became depressed and suicidal.

Fran knew this. She saw it.

Michel and I were in divorce litigation, preparing for a divorce jury trial, and when my attorney contacted Fran, my best friend refused to testify and told me to stop contacting her. It was out of the blue. I didn’t see this coming. I felt betrayed and hurt. Francesqua disappeared for months. My four-day divorce jury trial came and went. I was focusing on narcissistic abuse recovery, re-establishing my life with God in my new home on the Chattahoochee River, surrounded by peace. There was so much to deal with… But the wound from Fran’s abandonment was more significant than I was willing to admit to myself.

I felt so hurt…

Resenting her seemed appropriate.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Romans 12:2

I felt hurt. I felt abandoned. I felt betrayed.

I was suffering from anger because I was judging Francesqua for her actions. I was dwelling on my bitterness. But none of it was God’s will for me. I needed to renew my mind. I had to give thought to my ways. Thoughtfulness always leads to a better end than conformity to the ways of the flesh. Thoughtfulness allowed me to re-align with God’s spirit and find peace in Him, even while my heart was still bleeding. Fran disappeared until November 2017.

Renewing My Mind To Forgive

I wanted to be forgiving and accepting but I couldn’t. I held grudges and withdrew from many of my friendships because of Francesqua’s betrayal and some other serious stabs in the back by friends. What was God’s perfect will for me regarding my friendships? I saw clearly that, from where I was, it seemed as if my friend Fran was obligated to testify in court to support me because she was a strong witness due to her seeing the abuse. However, when I put myself in her shoes, testifying in front of 14 jurors, 2 attorneys, a judge, and Michel, from whom she tried to stay as far away as possible, seemed terrifying and very stressful, especially knowing her history of childhood abuse.

I thought of Peter and Jesus.

Then they seized him and led him away, bringing him into the high priest’s house, and Peter was following at a distance. And when they had kindled a fire in the middle of the courtyard and sat down together, Peter sat down among them. Then a servant girl, seeing him as he sat in the light and looking closely at him, said, “This man also was with him.” But he denied it, saying, “Woman, I do not know him.” And a little later someone else saw him and said: “You also are one of them.” But Peter said: “Man, I am not.” And after an interval of about an hour still, another insisted, saying, “Certainly this man also was with him, for he too is a Galilean.” But Peter said: “Man, I do not know what you are talking about.” And immediately, while he was still speaking, the rooster crowed. And the Lord turned and looked at Peter. And Peter remembered the saying of the Lord, how he had said to him: “Before the rooster crows today, you will deny me three times.” And he went out and wept bitterly.

Luke 22:54-62

Even though I wasn’t Jesus and Francesqua wasn’t Peter, she was my friend, and I loved her, as well as trusted her. She betrayed me in the situation where I needed her the most. I felt stunned, crushed, shocked, and heartbroken. However, in the depths of my broken heart, I knew Fran was regretting it, just like Peter regretted betraying Jesus. I knew she knew that she betrayed me.

I knew that Francesqua was not in denial.

I knew she did it out of fear.

I knew that in my worldly flesh, I was condemning her for betraying me. I wanted to remember what she did and never forgive her. I wanted to make conclusions about who she was based on what she did. In my Spirit though, I knew that God called me to forgive and love Francesqua. So, I started working on my forgiveness.

Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.

Proverbs 16:3

Focusing on the Lord, I was able to liberate my heart from bitterness. I freed my thoughts from condemnation toward Francesqua. I let go of the debt I felt she owed me. I made peace with whatever is, and I also was able to reflect on Francesqua’s humanity, as well as my own. I realized that her fear of testifying was human.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11

I hoped that as a friend she’d want to support me. I hoped that as a friend she’d care about me. But my hope was not in her. My hope was in the Lord. Fran betrayed me, but my Lord carried me through it all. He also gave His life for my wrong-doings because God wanted me to be free. He wanted me to be free from sin, bitterness, resentment, anger, and bondages to hurt. That made me think: how could I condemn Francesqua’s wrong-doings when I myself wasn’t perfect and why would I want to choose to be trapped in bandage with all the pain?

I was ready to forgive Francesqua.

Having Conversations With God

I wasn’t talking to anyone about my forgiveness journey at the time: not with my mentors, not with my church, not with my Biblical counsel, only with my Heavenly Father. I was processing my pain through my personal conversations with God.

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.

Colossians 3:23

I to work things through with God. I wanted God to know that I forgave Fran. I talked to God every day. I declared to God that Francesqua was forgiven by me. I also wrote a poem about forgiveness as a result of my conversations with God. It came to me from the Holy Spirit. It’s called “Forgiveness.” It was a letter to myself.

"Forgiveness" #PoemsFromGod 
 
 Forgiveness is a lifelong journey.
 It's a decision to set people free
 From the debt of offense they owe you,
 Issuing them an intentional debt-free decree.
 
 The beneficiary of that decree though is not them -
 It's your heart that experiences liberation
 From anger and bitterness as you no longer condemn,
 So issue people the forgiveness decree with no hesitation. 
 
 Forgive people often or daily or even hourly.
 Decide to quit taking the resentment poison.
 Commit to letting go of grudges sincerely 
 And move light-heartedly toward your new horizon. 
 

 8/26/17 © Anna Szabo, JD, MBA 

Forgiving My Friend Francesqua

I remember a cold day in November of 2017. I was outside with my Cocker Spaniel Bruno, walking 10000 steps a day, declaring to God that I forgave Francesqua. I usually kept my phone on silent during my walks and talks with God. So, my phone was on silent. That particular day was very special. It was a sunny day, very pretty. Bruno and I were walking outside really fast. I was having my regular conversations with God trying to heal after a long season of adversity. As I reached out for my phone to check on time and the number of steps, I saw a missed call. It was Francesqua. She also left me a voicemail.

I listened to her voicemail right away. 

Fran was sharing with me on voicemail how sorry she was, how she realized the way she betrayed me, and how she was calling to ask for my forgiveness but also understood that perhaps I would not even want to ever call her back… I was in tears.

I called her back immediately. 

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Colossians 3:13

Francesqua answered the phone by saying how shocked she was that I called and that I called so fast. She went on to tell me how she didn’t expect either my call or my forgiveness. I told her that I spent a long time thinking about everything and that, after putting much thought into our situation, I had already forgiven her.

To honor God is the ultimate goal of my life.

God asks that we love and forgive one another because no one is perfect. Christ died to make all things right. I forgave Francesqua. She was excited and joyful. And so was I. We restored our friendship, which made my heart sing. Glory To God!

Over time, instances of betrayal continued.

She reached out again asking for my forgiveness, which I extended but discontinued our friendship. That situation taught me that forgiveness must not equate to reconciliation because God calls us to practice wisdom and discernment. After her betrayal, again and again, I eventually ceased communication with Fran.

Giving Thought To My Ways

Being thoughtful is the key to having peace and joy. Submitting to our worldly flesh, we can become consumed by negativity, unforgiveness, anger, bitterness, and resentment. If we want to be led to a closer relationship with Christ, we must liberate ourselves from bondages by choosing God-honoring emotions, such as forgiveness. Jesus wanted for us to be free from bitterness.

So watch yourselves. If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them.

Luke 17:3

When I forgave Fran, I set my heart free. 

Yet, I needed to continue being thoughtful.

By giving thought to my ways, I wanted to discern God’s will. In November of 2017, after Francesqua asked for my forgiveness, it all came down to discerning whether or not I wanted to have her in my life as a friend again. Sometimes, the people we forgive need to stay out of our lives. And sometimes reconciliation is what God calls us to. Reconciliation is the restoration of friendliness.

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4:8

I wanted to love Fran and restore our friendship. I was ready to do the hard work of not holding the grudges, moving forward, and growing in faith together. But also the Bible called me to guard my heart with diligence since it’s a wellspring of everything in my life (Proverbs 4:23). So, I had to think things through very thoroughly. See the ITCEBO thought-processing model I designed to help assess and discern difficult life situations with diligence and honor God as the result.

The thought you put into the discerning box needs to be about God’s word. To make good decisions, it’s important to seek and hear God’s voice. I wrote an article called “How To Hear God’s Voice.” God’s voice never will say to you anything that’s against God’s word. God’s voice guides us toward spiritual discernment. You can only hear from God whatever is written. Remember when Jesus was being tempted by Satan, every time Satan attacked Jesus, Christ’s response started with “for it is written…“
Making decisions like the one I faced, hearing God’s voice clearly is essential before taking any action. Accepting God’s word as the truth is critical. Following God’s will for the direction of your life is essential.
I had to first study God’s word and accept it. Then, once I heard God’s voice, I had to accept His will and follow it. This is how thoughtfulness works. This is what it means to give thought to your ways. It’s easy to stay conformed to the worldly pattern of living life but to follow God is difficult yet fruitful. Fran betrayed me. I was angry. She wanted to reconcile. I had the right to withhold my forgiveness and friendship. Right? Wrong. In the world of the flesh, yes, that’s the thinking process we use driven by our highly-fluctuating emotions. In the world of God’s Spirit, forgiveness and loving-kindness are what God calls us to offer to people no matter how we feel in the natural.

Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.

Proverbs 13:20

I had to choose to either be wise and follow God’s Spirit or follow my flesh and be foolish. That would cause harm. Here’s that word again! “Harm.” You saw the word harm accompany the word foolish in other verses. It’s because God’s word is consistent. To summarize my experience with thoughtfulness and discernment…

Here’s my conclusion.

God’s voice speaks to you God’s word, which communicates God’s will that’s consistent with God’s word, which was originally revealed through God’s voice. There’s consistency. There are no contradictions.

It’s simple to understand.

It’s powerful when you use it.

It’s fool-proof because it’s Biblical.

It’s the best way to discern God’s wisdom.

It’s helpful to realize that God is straightforward.

“I Am Thoughtful” Affirmation

Do you ask for God’s wisdom whenever you need to discern good from bad and right from wrong? Do you seek to hear God’s voice when doubting the direction of your life? Do you accept God’s word as the truth for yourself? Do you follow God’s will?

If the desire of your heart is to honor God, grow in faith, share your hope, do the good work God prepared in advance for you to do, serve Him, and fulfill His purpose for your life, being prudent and giving thought to your ways is a must-have habit.

I created a Biblical affirmation for you.

It will help renew your mind with God’s word.

It’s Scripture-based.

If you want to be thoughtful, memorize the affirmation below to remind yourself to seek God’s discernment whenever you face a challenge or need to make a God-honoring decision.

"I Am Thoughtful" #52Devotionals

I am able to discern
What is good and what is not. 
This ability has come 
From accepting will of God. 
To the pattern of this world 
I refuse to be conformed 
And instead, I daily choose 
By God’s truth to be transformed.