Have you ever felt weak? Have you ever been at that point in life where your limit is reached and you just can’t handle things anymore? I have. I know what it feels like to be exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. In fact, adversity has been my best friend since childhood, and you can read my story called “Getting To Know Anna Szabo.” I used to live in my own power. That ended badly. Today, I am strong in the power of Christ. That’s what this Biblical devotional is about: how to be strong in the Lord. May you be empowered and blessed by this information, especially if you’re going through adversity.

Introduction

My story of discovering God’s strength through Christ begins with a story of weakness. In fact, it’s a story of not only weakness but complete hopelessness and despair, too. Let me share with you some important fundamentals about me.

I believe that I am on a journey from being created by God to now learning and changing in the process of sanctification in order to eventually end up with God in heaven for eternity. On this journey, God wants me to become Christ-like and learn how to trust Him. He also wants me to fulfill my life’s divine purpose.

That’s why God equips and prepares me through unique experiences. One of those experiences (actually, it occurred three times) is suicide. I wrote a whole article about my suicide story. God ordained unique experiences in my life, during which I became suicidal and two times actually attempted to kill myself. The third time, God gave me this Christian ministry dedicated to helping alleviate suicide among women globally by sharing hope in Christ. It’s my passion, purpose, and pursuit. This passion was born out of my painful life experiences, through which God equipped and prepared me for this ministry.

When I was weak, I discovered God’s strength.

Let me tell you my story.

My Weakness

In 2016, I experienced severe suicidal depression. I remember feeling very weak. I knew my limit was reached. You can read my blog called “What Depression Feels Like” to understand what I was going through at the time. I couldn’t handle any more pain and suffering from all the mental cruelty inflicted on me in my marriage by my husband. Michel and I got married on May 14th, 2016.

The story of my weakness began that day.

Michel’s family came from Venezuela. It was the first time I ever met them. I remember how I was surprised when the entire time we spent together they called him “Michie” and not “Michel,” even though he himself often referred to himself as “Mike.” I started pondering how a few months prior to that, I was present at his house refinancing and learned that he actually had changed his last name very recently. I started thinking “What else do I not know about him?”

I don’t speak Spanish. Michel’s grandma whom he called “mom” didn’t speak English. One of my bridesmaids helped us communicate at the wedding. I gave grandma a gift. It was a handmade traditional Russian craft called “Khokhloma.” It was a part of a unique handmade collection I designed and brought to America from Russia. I wanted to show my appreciation to the family. I wanted to express my genuine affection. I wanted them to know that my heart was open to love them and that I was honored to be a part of their family.

I remember Michel’s aunt and uncle bringing me and my bridesmaids to the wedding venue in their beautiful large white van. Apparently, we were a few minutes late but I didn’t know the time as everyone wanted me to be relaxed, so they took all devices indicating time away from me. I remember seeing the relief on people’s faces when I arrived at the wedding venue: they were worried that I got cold feet all of a sudden. Nope, I didn’t get cold feet. Actually, I felt pure joy as my mentor walked me down the aisle and gave me away to Michel.

As I came closer, I saw Michel standing there in tears. I was confident that those were his tears of joy about our unity, togetherness, and future. Not actually. No… However, I discovered the truth too late. Michel later shared with me that those were the tears about him finally having his first wedding and feeling accomplished. I found that out the morning after our wedding, and cold blood was running through my veins. He wanted to have me and our wedding to fuel his ego…

What a shocking discovery!

It appeared as if I were a trophy to him.

Michel had already been divorced but h never had a wedding and married an immigrant for a green card at the courthouse. The more h described how terrible he felt about himself having the courthouse ceremony with his first wife Paola, the more it was obvious that Michel was in this marriage with me for the wrong reason…

It was too late. We were married.

After Michel and I got to our newlyweds’ suite at the Buckhead Intercontinental hotel, he got on the phone and became distant. As I stood there, in front of my beloved husband, in my wedding dress, waiting for his attention, Michel was busy texting with friends about shoes, sitting in a chair alone in the right corner of our newlyweds’ suite. It was the strangest scenery I had ever encountered. 

I waited and waited as Michel had told me that his dream was to have a wedding he never had and to help his bride take the wedding dress off. I didn’t want to take the dress off by myself and rob him of the experience he considered special, so I waited, literally standing in the middle of the suite while he was in a chair in the corner texting about shoes with friends. That continued for a long time, and I decided to take a shower alone while Michel was texting in the corner.

I felt so awkward and hurt… I couldn’t even comprehend what was happening. That night turned into a painful and dramatic experience that caused some trauma, and my OBGYN had to place me on antibiotics for a while. I won’t bother you with any details but will say that the emotional and physical trauma Michel inflicted on me that night was long-lasting and outlived even our divorce. I was traumatized, and there were no words to describe how I was feeling.

At the breakfast with my bridesmaid, Michel informed me that now that the wedding was checked off his list, life was going to be about his IronMan priorities. He started disappearing every evening and weekend, leaving me alone in the country house where I moved to be his wife and build a family with him. He started saying that he wanted to be an IronMan and complete in Kona. He called his IronMan bicycle “My other wife I cheat on you with,” he rejected me sexually saying that he needed to save himself for his IronMan training, and instead of a honeymoon, we went to Chattanooga, TV on May 22nd, 206 so that Michel could compete in IronMan. I still am working through the traumatizing experiences of that marriage so I’m still looking for the words to describe that week. Definitely, I quickly realized that I got a husband from hell.

READ: How Satan Came at Me Looking Saint

Prior to our wedding, Michel asked me to honor him by taking his last name. That’s how I became Anna Szabo. He also asked me to deposit my paycheck into our joint checking account, which he created with USAA. Now, my paycheck was spent by Michel, and I was left with a balance of below zero dollars three times unable to buy food. I remember being at work and walking to get lunch, only to discover no money in our checking account. In the mail, I discovered letters from various creditors whom Michel owed outstanding balances. I was shocked because during our extensive premarital counseling he claimed that he was debt-free… While opening mail, I came across a letter stating that Michl didn’t pay the mortgage for months…

I confronted Michel about his lifestyle.

He filed for a divorce.

Four months after our wedding, a private server Jerry served me with Michel’s divorce papers at a Christian conference “Harvest” in Duluth, GA. I was already extremely confused and completely disoriented by Miche’s behavior, abuse, threats to harm me, absence from our marriage, piles of unpaid bills, overspending of my paycheck, and constant rejection of intimacy while he was walking around the house naked with an erection on and smiling. I had never experienced anything so erratic and bizarre. I became depressed and severely suicidal.

I became weak.

God’s Strength

You see, I tried to deal with the chaos and cruelty of marriage with Michel on my own. I simply ran out of strength. I came to the end of myself. I felt weak, confused, devastated, and hopeless. I was tired physically and exhausted emotionally. I didn’t want to open my eyes another time and wake up to another day of miserable marriage with Michel. I wanted to die and be liberated from abuse.

Michel lured me into that very cleverly.

His narcissistic abuse left me disoriented and desperate. I was exposed to projection to make me feel guilty for Miche’s faults and failures, gaslighting to make me feel crazy and mentally incompetent, discarding to invalidate my humanity, and other narcissistic abuse techniques explained in my essay called “My Story of Narcissistic Abuse Relationship.” One time, I came home from work, walked in, and saw Michel talking to his family on video. They were speaking Spanish. As I was there and they saw me, all of them totally ignored me as if I were non-existent, which felt extremely confusing, rude, dehumanizing, and just plain awkward. That marriage and that abusive man were too much for me.

On my own, I was done. There was nothing left.

No light. No fight. No might. 

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31:6

I started turning to Jesus for strength. Unable to think or do anything in my own strength anymore, I asked Jesus to guide, lead, empower, strengthen, and carry me through the journey, which I couldn’t even begin to understand. Certainly, I wasn’t able to accept my journey either. My life felt surreal. I resented my last name and would hide my name badge at work. My psyche began to split…

READ:  What Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Do to Your Psyche

Michel was manipulating me, lying constantly, flipping with rage any time I wanted to find resolutions to our problems by talking, and he threatened me with violence multiple times. My mind, body, spirit, and soul were all shutting down from unbearable stress, trauma, and overwhelming depression. How I felt at the time is described in the poem below, which is my prayer to Jesus.

"Lord, I Need You"  

 Lord, I need you every hour, every moment of every day.
 I need your guidance, your mercy, hold on to me tight.
 I need you to never let go of me as I pray.
 I need you to lead me, to renew me, to help me stay humble and kind. 

 Every morning I start with my list of gratitude, God.
 Every day I realize my weakness and your strength in it.
 Every moment I reach out to you because I never forgot,
 That I need you... Without you I've already reached my limit. 


7/23/17 © Anna Szabo, JD, MBA 

Leaning on God for Strength

For most of my marriage with Michel, depressed and suicidal. I was under the care of two counseling professionals: a trauma counsel Terry to help me cope with narcissistic relationship abuse in my marriage and a Biblical counsel Tammy to help me stand strong in the Lord as I was battling spiritual warfare. I was in a very dark place – mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically – from all the mental cruelty I was enduring. Tammy and I met every Wednesday at 5 pm via FaceeTime. She was the one who led me to study spiritual warfare. Terry was the one who officially diagnosed me with Complex PTSD and told me looking me straight in the eye: “The narcissist wants you dead!”

I realized by then that Satan came at me looking Saint. He lured me into his premeditated deception so eloquently, I was blindsided. I was trapped while he enjoyed the pleasure of watching me fade. I was in warfare with Satan. My Biblical counselor began teaching me about the Armor of God.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 

Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 

In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 

Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. 

Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

Ephesians 6:10

My Biblical counselor started practicing with me how to put on the Armor of God and how to fight back, drawing strength from Jesus. It was essential for me to understand Satan and his ways of attacks. I needed to know his strategies and tactics. I needed to figure him out. Everything I learned about the devil and his evil-doing I poured into a Biblical poem called “When Satan Comes at You Looking Saint.”

A part of the Armor of God is prayer. After some Spiritual Warfare work with my Biblical Counselor Tammy, I did the Armor of God study by Priscilla Shirer with my small group at church. Every week, the homework included writing a strategic prayer based on the part of the Armor we studied that week. I wrote detailed and strategic prayers. And I decided not to keep them to myself but share them with anyone who’s enduring Spiritual Warfare and needs help. I published them on YouTube. Those prayers helped when I was weak. They fueled me with God’s strength. I learned how to do all things through Christ. I was taught by my experiences to become strong in the Lord.

Being Strong In The Lord

As I began drawing my strength from the Lord, I placed a reminder in my bedroom about the source of my power. As Christ’s strength empowered me, I started experiencing healing. I was hungrily studying God’s word. I desired to follow Jesus’ teachings out of gratitude for the transformation I was experiencing.

If you love me, keep my commands.

John 14:15

I love Jesus. I decided to keep His commands out of gratitude for my salvation. Today, I try my best. I fail often. But the desire of my heart to honor God always perseveres. Jesus asked me to forgive my offender, to trust in the Lord, to cast my anxiety on Him, to have peace and joy, and to love all people, even those who may be my enemies. The more I tried obeying God’s commands, the more strength I gained. One step at a time, Jesus guided me out of my depression into His presence and joy. Trusting His word has been the most critical component of my narcissistic abuse recovery.

I now can say that I am strong.

What about you? Are you strong? If you draw your strength from Christ and trust in Him for guidance and protection, memorize the Biblical affirmation below and practice it often to remind yourself about the source of your strength.

“I Am Strong” Affirmation

I am Strong #52Devotionals

I am strong in the power of the Lord, 
And in the strength of His might I stand. 
I'm courageous and fearless, trusting His word. 
He empowers me as I honor His every command.