Dear #TruePrincesses! Have you ever wondered how daughters of narcissistic mothers can survive and thrive? Today, I’ll share with you about the dramatic and traumatic life with my narcissistic mother. I will also explain the 55 behaviors of a narcissistic mother and give you a proven 12-step plan for surviving your mother’s cruelty and thriving with God.
“Whoever Brings Blessing Will be Enriched” Proverbs 11:25
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Here’s a story about my mom’s influence on me, how she abused me, and the damage it caused, affecting my life and mental health.
If you’re currently dealing with a narcissistic mother, this content might be really hard for you to read and process. It’s truthful yet painful.
I myself am in pain while writing this because everything I describe here is autobiographical and very personal.
We must bring these things to light in order to heal.
13 But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. 14 This is why it is said:Ephesians 5:13-14
“Wake up, sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.”
If we want to heal, we must face the devastating storm of flashbacks and traumatizing feelings that arise as we uncover the truth about the signs of a narcissistic mother and what happens to her daughter.
If you want to heal, you must go “against the wind.”
I know your mother is against you discovering and exploring the truth because she wants you to worship her. You might even feel guilty and shameful right now as you’re reading this because your mother would perceive this as a betrayal.
Your mother wants you to remain is eternal bondage with her. She is the only source of truth in her own eyes.
But your eyes are about to open. You are about to face the truth about your mother.
You must face the reality of who your mother is and what she has done to harm you.
Prioritize your mental health and overall wellbeing and take charge of your future!
This is difficult but it will propel you, like an airplane taking off against the wind.
What’s the alternative?
To binge-watch Netflix, over-eat in search of comfort, dive into alcohol, sex, and drugs to avoid dealing with emotional pain, become detached from reality and exposed to manipulation, submit to the narcissist’s cruel abuse, and live life wastefully hiding from emotional adulthood?
No, thank you.
I was avoiding my own emotional adulthood for years. In fact, here’s my story shared in the form of a Christian spoken word poem called “Identity” performed at Urban Grind in Atlanta in 2019:
It’s so painful to face the truth about what exactly you endured from your mother who was supposed to love and protect you.
It’s painful for me to share this with you but I was called to share from the heart, and I am ready.
So, let’s step into our emotional adulthood by facing the truth together!
What Is a Narcissistic Mother?
Being raised in a family of adulterous alcoholics, in an environment of violence and abuse, I tried to commit suicide twice as a child.
That didn’t work, so I started digging deep inside myself searching for a source of power and perseverance.
That’s how I got started on my personal development journey when I was 12 years old.
Years later, I gave my life to Jesus.
Being the Child of a Narcissistic Mother
I never had a father. My mom told me that he was my aunt’s boyfriend. One day in 1982, his legs were broken due to an injury. She made some food and went to see him at his mother’s home.
My mom described to me how she got on top of him, they had unprotected sex, and “surprisingly” she got pregnant.
She explained to me that she was shocked by her getting pregnant “unexpectedly” and went to abort me. The doctor advised her against abortion due to health reasons.
That’s how I was born. From that moment on, my existence was held against me.
My mother always lived with her parents. She never ever moved out and lives in that same home even today. She is 64 years old.
My mother’s two sisters lived with their mother as well. Three of them. Each of the sisters had a daughter. Three of us. All of us lived in a four-bedroom little condo in Soviet Russia. We had one bathroom and a lot of drama.
One of the daughters moved out eventually but two remain even today in that same condo with my 91-year-old grandma who was violent toward the only man in our entire household – my grandpa. Every single day…
I witnessed my grandmother beat the life out of my grandfather while screaming at him. She was completely insane. She lied about most of the things most of the time.
My family members made and sold their own alcohol. They slept with other people’s spouses in front of me. They served me my first alcoholic beverage when I was five years old. And they bought me cigarettes in packs when I turned ten years old.
I feared those people so much, but most of all I feared my mother.
From now on, when I say ‘they” or “all of them,” I mean my mother, grandmother, my mom’s sisters, and my cousins.
A word about my cousins.
We are one year apart. When I was five, the three of us were spending time together by practicing oral sex on each other in a bathtub.
My older cousin was the enthusiastic organizer of such kids-friendly activities as cunnilingus, mutual masturbation, and other interesting expressions of curiosity she witnessed inside our home.
This was all taking place within the four walls of our little condo with our parents and grandparents present.
That cousin was my mother’s golden child and I was her scapegoat. Here’s an article explaining the difference between the golden child and the scapegoat.
Basically, my mother loved my older cousin who stole money from us and worked as a prostitute in several countries, she adored her, bragged about her, and showed her affection. On the contrary, my mother hated me, blamed me for everything, placed her shame and insecurities on me, and used me as a punching bag.
I’m the youngest from the oldest of those three sisters (Lyuda), the middle one of us (Yulya) came from the middle one of them (Sveta), and the youngest of them (Ira) was the mother of the oldest one of us (Vika). That was the golden child, and her mother was the woman whose boyfriend my mother got pregnant from, so he was my father.
That aunt chased me with a knife trying to kill me when I was very little. My grandfather stepped up that one and only time in my life to protect me.
Vika and Yulya were obsessed with boys, genitals, and making out. Often, I’d see them escape at night through the windows to meet the neighborhood boys to do God knows what.
I was obsessed with school. It was the only place where I was a somebody because I was a nobody at home.
I had to do whatever was humanly possible to protect myself from my abusive, hateful, cruel narcissistic mother.
I protected myself by developing a passion for learning (I graduated from four universities with an average GPA of 3.91), by submitting to her encouragement to sleep around so she could enjoy hearing the details of my sex life (I developed sex addiction), and by carrying a taser and pepper spray at all times since she tried to kill me on multiple occasions (I developed Complex PTSD (C-PTSD)).
Also, I read about my situation to maintain perspective, I was almost daily calling suicide prevention hotline, and I went to therapy (it was free).
For years, I tried to face my past but the pain was just too much, so I’d choose to drink and sleep around in order to cope.
Until one day I decided to look my pain in the eye and be in its presence for as long as it takes to resolve it and make peace with it.
Remember: healing your wounds takes patience.
My expectation was that I’ll do it once and I’ll be healed forever.
That’s not how it works.
Don’t expect to magically instantly heal a wound which took decades to develop from the abuse you experienced over and over and over again.
Healing takes time, patience, intentionality, and fortitude.
That’s what success takes.
What is “success” when it comes to reading a blog about a narcissistic mother, characteristics of daughters of narcissistic mothers, narcissistic personality disorder mother-daughter relationship, and being raised by a narcissistic mother?
On the journey of healing various wounds caused by my narcissistic mother, I define success as facing courageously the reality of my mother being a narcissist, admitting openly the truth about the abuse she imposed on me for decades, forgiving her daily, and processing the painful feelings that arise often through genuine vulnerability.
Being the child of a narcissistic mother took much fortitude to persevere through abuse and violence, as well as regular journaling to help process thoughts, feelings, and dreams about a better future.
Daughters of narcissistic mothers suffer so much. The damage a narcissistic mother causes is long-lasting. My mother told me many times: “I hate you and I just want you dead!” She encouraged me to commit suicide.
When I was in B-school, she brought two girls from the streets to live with us and called them her daughters while stonewalling me and hating on me. The girls slept and lived with her in her bedroom.
She spilled boiling olive oil one morning on my legs from the frying pan where I was cooking a meal.
Many times, I ran away from home to escape this narcissistic personality disorder mother-daughter relationship, which caused so much pain and confusion.
I wrote a poem about my experience of being the child of a narcissistic mother.
"Narcissistic Mother" #PoemsFromGod
A Narcissistic Mother is egotistical and incapable of love or compassion.
She is self-centered and only for herself does she experience any genuine passion.
She is a caregiver who treats her daughter as if the child’s aim were to be of service.
She deliberately persuades her daughter that she’s unloved, undeserving, unwanted, and worthless.
A Narcissistic Mother is one moment raging and next moment she is smiling.
She behaves unpredictably; her goal is to win people’s compliments and admiring.
She has an enmeshed relationship with her daughter where her child’s needs don’t even exist.
If she decides to appear nice, she is pleasant, but in a split of a second, she’s violent and pissed.
She uses her daughter to fuel her ego or get some money; that’s pretty much it.
And of course, her true motives she would never openly to anyone admit.
A Narcissistic Mother sucks the life out her daughter and says straightforwardly: “I just want you dead!”
Her daughter ends up with a long-lasting emotional trauma and a life of deep healing ahead.
10/6/18 © Anna Szabo, JD, MBA
I realized the truth about my mother when I was 12 and she told me to commit suicide again after I tried and failed.
However, I didn’t know my mother was a narcissist. Children don’t know what they don’t know.
I just knew that my mother wasn’t helping me. She was harming me.
There is a difference between being a narcissistic mother, which is a set of personality traits, and a mother having a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), which is a serious mental health issue.
What Is Narcissism?
Let’s first differentiate between people with narcissistic personality traits and those with a narcissistic personality disorder.
Narcissism vs Narcissistic Personality Disorder
According to the Mayo Clinic, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they’re superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
Narcissism is a set of personality traits characterized by an inflated image of one’s own worth, a strong sense of entitlement, and a tendency to act selfishly. People who have narcissistic tendencies may believe they are smarter, better looking, more talented, and more deserving than other people and appear to be self-involved. These traits can express themselves in two primary ways.
Let’s now discuss the two types of narcissism.
Grandiose Narcissism vs Vulnerable Narcissism
Grandiose narcissists are often extroverted, attention-seeking, and power-hungry. They have a strong sense of entitlement and believe that they are superior to others. This is called overt narcissism. Anger here is expressed openly. Arrogance, superficial charm, and excessive optimistic are common.
Vulnerable narcissists often develop an inflated sense of self as a way of “overcompensating for low self-esteem and a deep-seated sense of shame.” They tend to be emotionally sensitive, cold, distant, withdrawn, and easily threatened by rejection and criticism. Their anger is hidden and internalized. This is called covert narcissism.
Common for both types are self-centeredness, extreme need for admiration, and low agreeableness.
Narcissism forms early in childhood. Genetics contribute to about 46-64% and the environment is responsible for about 36-54% of the narcissistic behavioral makeup.
Narcissistic Mother Explained
Let’s define a narcissistic mother, review her 55 behaviors, and understand their impact on you as her daughter.
After this section, I will share with you about my own experience of being raised by a narcissistic mother who abused me physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually, and spiritually. I’ll provide specific examples.
Understanding the truth about your mom will restore your soul and give you your power back. Being confused and experiencing doubt accompanied by anxiety and panic attacks is very common when you can’t figure out what the haze and chaos are all about.
It’s not you. It’s her. It’s not your fault. You are not crazy.
Let’s dive into some hurtful but liberating details about the lives of daughters of narcissistic mothers.
Honest Answers to 20 Frequently Asked Questions About Narcissistic Mothers
A narcissistic mother has an inflicted ego and needs admiration constantly; she is possessive of you because you are her narcissistic supply to fuel her ego; she is threatened by your growing independence so she acts as if you were inferior and she were superior to you; she believes that you are here to fulfill her needs; she doesn’t recognize you as a human being who is free to live, she feels you owe her for giving you life and the debt can never be repaid; and she smothers you with constant criticism, abuse, and violence.
2. How Does It Feel to Be Raised by a Narcissistic Mother?
Being raised by a narcissistic mother feels painful. You feel unloved, unworthy, unwanted, and unimportant. This list of feelings can help you find the right words to describe how you feel. Living with a narcissistic mother, I felt angered by her constant abuse and violence, I felt confused as to why I was even born, and I felt hopeless so I tried to commit suicide twice at 11 and 12 years old. God saved me.
3. How Does a Narcissistic Mother Behave: 55 Symptoms of a Narcissistic Mother
1. She treats you as inferior, she feels and acts superior.
2. She makes you feel like you are a burden and should never have been born.
3. She controls and manipulates you: she blows everything you do out of proportion, she showers you with looks of disappointment and disapproval.
4. She offers no unconditional love, all her love is based on your performance, you have to win her approval and love.
5. She is ego-driven, self-absorbed, and inconsiderate of your needs.
6. She violates your boundaries or simply doesn’t recognize them at all: she reads your diary, provides no privacy, invades your space, complains about your personal business to everyone in front of you, and shares private details of your life with strangers in order to humiliate and embarrass you.
7. She tells you of the debt that can never be repaid by you, she says she sacrificed everything to give you life; this causes you much confusion, disappointment, frustration, pain, and self-doubt.
8. She competes with you, which makes you feel awkward and confused about your identity.
9. She befriends your friends and even flirts with your boyfriend.
10. She steals the ownership for your accomplishments and presents them as her own, unless she simply dismisses them.
11. She makes every little inconvenience your fault and imposes guilt and shame on you, projecting all her mistakes on you.
12. She is jealous of you.
13. She tells you how you feel, so you can never be sure of reality, she minifies or dismisses everything you say about your experiences or feelings.
14. She is emotionally unavailable and doesn’t know how to talk about emotions: you say you feel hurt and she says you are dangerous.
15. She wants you to be her narcissistic supply, manipulate you, and guilt you into complete and total submission, she dreams to make your life miserable.
16. She treats you as her scapegoat – a sacrifice that can make her look like a good person in the eyes of others and win her approval and admiration.
17. She also has the golden child – some other child whom she treats with privileges.
18. She is a boldface liar and will do anything to get what she wants.
19. She diverts conversations to herself: every problem is about how negatively she feels about you, which causes confusion in you.
20. She struggles with self-loathing and fragile ego so she makes everything about herself.
21. She fails to protect you from harm, she doesn’t care or even enjoys seeing you being harmed because she wishes for you to be punished, she’s cruel.
22. She puts up a facade, she cares so much about what people think and say, she wants people to admire her, so she plays nice with you around others, but she abuses you 1:1.
23. She guilts and shames you in a very dramatic and threatening way and she uses any means to get what she wants from you.
24. She’s emotionally untrustworthy and you know it.
25. She is confident that nothing is wrong with her.
26. She genuinely wants you to sacrifice your life to worship her.
27. She imposes on you the scars that are massive but invisible to others so no one can believe you, in fact, they believe you’re ungrateful since you have such a wonderful mother.
28. She is committed to torturing you forever, she will never stop.
29. She is mean and cruel, and she tortures you for your perceived imperfections.
30. She wants you to live with her and depend on her so she can exercise power over you and torture you.
31. She judges others, believes she’s the most talented, beautiful, smart, capable, and she exaggerates everything; she wants you to engage in gossip with her to make her feel good about herself.
32. She makes you feel exhausted and hurt, it’s overwhelming to be her daughter.
33. She is incapable of nurturing you.
34. You are a source of her sense of self, she “loves’ you for how she sees herself in you.
35. She created the illusion of a loving and sacrificial mother to win admiration and compliments from people.
36. She envies you.
37. She is severely deficient on empathy and compassion.
38. She causes conflict, chaos, and confusion within you and within the family.
39. She is incapable of affection, except toward her golden child whom she’s grooming to admire and worship her forever.
40. She defends her delusional persona at all costs.
41. She accuses you of being inconsiderate and selfish if you don’t meet her every need.
42. She brags about herself all the time, even painting herself a victim making sacrifices for you, only to win other’s admiration.
43. She persuades you that you’re a failure, will never amount to anything, and can’t live without her.
44. She seeks pity from people to get attention by exaggerating everything.
45. She portrays herself as super-strong, persevering despite her victimhood.
46. She treats you with neglect because she doesn’t care about you.
47. She makes you feel guilty for wanting to build your own life.
48. She considers any difference in opinions as disrespect and rages at you balming you for having an opinion.
49. She shames you for wanting to live life on your own terms and pursue greatness.
50. She is violent and aggressive toward you.
51. She intentionally hinders the process of your maturing because she needs you to remain under her influence and power.
52. She shares inappropriate information with you to create an illusion of friendship, violating boundaries and making you feel awkward, as well as robbing you of your childhood.
53. She gives you random abusive calls and sends messages expecting you to listen to her poisoning stream of unconsciousness.
54. She expects you to vulnerably disclose everything about yourself, whatever she asks.
55. She treats you with a reward-punishment system, she expects you to meet all her demands or else.
4. Is Confronting a Narcissistic Mother a Good Idea?
Confronting a narcissistic mother will enrage her and put your safety at risk. It’s also useless because she doesn’t think that anything is abnormal about her behavior. She regards herself as perfect. I confronted my mother many times and she tried to kill me many times. Eventually, I moved to another country to stay away from her cruelty and harm. I also tried therapy with her and all she did was laugh when we visited a therapist. She gaslights you to make sure you believe everything is your fault and she gaslights others, too. So, people typically believe she is a saint and you are ungrateful.
5. Is Ignoring Narcissistic Mother a Good Idea?
No contact with a narcissist is the most effective way to protect yourself. It can help you reflect on what happened and gain perspective. I did no contact with my narcissistic mother for years and it helped me. No contact is not the same as no relationship. You’re in a relationship with her, even if you’re not in contact with her. When I realized it, I unblocked my mother on social media to resolve the relationship by establishing boundaries. She immediately showed her true colors. This allowed me to take the next step in my healing and set boundaries. Without the season of no contact, I would not have gained perspective, healing, and peace.
6. What Are the Characteristics of Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers?
1. Feeling guilty and forever indebted.
2. Feeling shameful and worthless.
3. Feeling anger or even rage.
4. Feeling like can not trust herself.
5. Feeling incompetent and lacking confidence.
6. Feeling uncertain regarding the boundaries that define where others end and she begins.
7. Feeling unable to trust people and withdrawing into isolation.
8. Feeling crazy and doubting reality.
9. Feeling anxiety about life.
10. Feeling suicidal because there seems to be no other way to end the painful relationship.
7. Is My Mother a Narcissist?
If you are asking yourself “Is my mother a narcissist?” check below the red flags that apply to you and you’ll be able to see from this simple assessment if you have a narcissistic mother. Check every statement that applies:
1. My voice is not being heard
2. My feelings are not being considered
3. My needs and wants are disregarded
4. I’m being judged and condemned
5. I’m being dominated and controlled
6. I’m being treated as a commodity
7. I feel unsafe around my mother
8. I can’t trust my mother
9. I lose myself in my relationship with my mother
10. I’m being manipulated and violated
How many of the above statements did apply to you? I hope this quick questionnaire helped you answer the life-impacting question “Is my mother a narcissist?”
8. At What Age Do Children of Narcissistic Mothers Understand the Abuse?
Children exposed to narcissistic abuse don’t know their situation. They inherently trust their mother and believe she loves them. Whatever she does is considered love and normal because children have no life experience of their own. They don’t have a perspective. At 12 years old, after I tried to commit suicide for the second time, a librarian in my school gave me a book to read that revealed to me how dysfunctional my mother was and that what I endured at home was not normal. However, I only realized the full scope of abuse when, facing my sexual addiction, I began attending therapy. It was in 2014. I was 31.
9. How to Deal with a Narcissistic Mother: Your 12 Step Plan
You as her daughter want to be wrong about her. Not only is she your family, but she also gave birth to you so you have special tender feelings for her. When we are children, we trust our caregivers. We believe that they have our best interest in mind and truly love us. By default, we place value on their words and take what they say to heart as respectable and true. It’s because, as little girls, we regard our mothers as reasonable and logical.
To be a mother, though, no one is required to be either reasonable or logical.
Abusive and ill-willed women are allowed to have children and raise them. Cruel and ego-driven females are allowed to become mothers to innocent precious little daughters who are defenseless and take everything at face value while growing up.
Manipulative and envious, narcissistic mothers hate their daughters’ guts and raise them to suffer, genuinely wishing them harm.
How can you protect yourself now that you’re no longer a defenseless, naive, innocent little girl?
1. Step out of denial into acceptance of reality about your mother.
2. Allow the child in you to make peace with the painful truth.
3. Understand that you’re filled with anxiety about life, people, decision-making, and future because she persuaded you over the years that you don’t have the right to live and are worthless.
4. Realize that you can’t depend on your mother whom you idealized and idolized.
5. Recognize that there will never be enough sacrifice for your mother, her demands never end, she always criticizes you and wants to own and dominate you.
6. Comprehend what she’s doing to you and the harm you endured.
7. Build a plan to recover and heal so you can stand firm on your own two feet and be emotionally independent of this toxic relationship.
8. Establish boundaries, though you fear your mother.
9. Make yourself uninteresting and boring, she hates boring, so don’t tell anything exciting or important to her.
10. Focus on you, build trustworthy relationships with emotionally-healthy people who care about you.
11. Practice self-care, read, write, cook, create art, swim, hike, dance, take fitness or public speaking classes, journal, protect yourself, heal.
12. Forgive your mother to set yourself free from the bondage with her so you can heal and build a joyful life by embracing God’s word.
10. What Is Narcissistic Exposure?
Narcissistic exposure happens when you engage in a relationship with the narcissist for an extended period of time. This includes spending time together, having a relationship of some kind, being in contact for personal, recreational, or professional reasons. The effect is damaging.
11. What are the Signs of Narcissistic Exposure?
1. Feeling unwanted, hated, and despised, actively believing these negative feelings, internalizing them, and even feeling shocked if someone shows respect or kindness toward you.
2. Having startled responses, even when engaged in normal everyday activities.
3. Being nervous when you make simple decisions, normally not associated with feeling scared or nervous. You are afraid to violate narcissist’s expectations.
4. Experiencing constant anxiety about everything.
5. Worrying severely about separation with the narcissist but feeling relieved when the narcissist is not around, then feeling anxiety upon narcissist’s return.
6. Believing you deserve the relationship with the narcissist because the narcissist convinced you that you’re bad or evil.
7. Hiding the good news from the narcissist because you don’t want to spark jealousy and envy or give data to be used against you.
8. Fantasizing about having a relationship without manipulation or abuse.
9. Contemplating your responses to false allegations against you by the narcissist but never saying anything because of fear.
12. Can Narcissistic Mother Cause Narcissistic Daughter?
Research shows that narcissistic mothers can cause narcissism is their daughters. It may or may not happen depending on whether you were her scapegoat or the golden child. It also depends on which parenting style she used with you and her overall mental health condition.
13. What are Common Disorders in Adults Raised by a Narcissistic Mother?
Because children raised by narcissistic mothers endure so much chaos, they may become adults with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) variations, such as Checking OCD, Symmetry and Order OCD, Hoarding OCD, and other types. Because of being abused, often violently, or even experiencing threats of death, traumatized adults raised by a narcissistic mother may develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Because being the child of a narcissistic mother implies such a deep wound, accompanied by the feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, addictions to alcohol, drugs, or sex may develop to help cope with the stress of the narcissistic relationship.
14. How Does Someone Raised by a Narcissistic Mother Resolve Their Anger?
Resolving anger takes understanding. First, you must understand the truth about your mother. Second, you must understand that your anger is there because of all the trauma you endured. Third, you must understand who you are. For that, I recommend the following books regardless of your age or marital status: “How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage,” “Discovering Intimacy: Relating to God and Others as a Single Adult,” “Safe People,” and “Boundaries.” Once you have understanding, next, you must forgive your mother. Forgiveness is the key to releasing anger. When you forgive, you will set yourself free from the poisoning bondage with her. If you don’t forgive, resentment and bitterness will dwell inside causing anger.
15. How Can I Forgive My Narcissistic Mother?
Forgiveness takes understanding. There are two types of understanding: you can try to understand why your mother did what she did or you can try to understand God’s greater plan and His purpose for your life. Trying to understand why your narcissistic mother abused you will lead you into a mental neverland of unanswered questions and endless confusion. Trying to understand God’s greater plan will lead you to Jesus. Once you understand how much you have been forgiven by God and consider His request for you to forgive others, you will forgive your mother, not because of her but because of Jesus. Your soul will be set free. You CAN live a joyful life by embracing God’s word.
I hope my honest answers to the 20 most frequently asked questions about dealing with a narcissistic mother helped you gain a healing perspective on your own situation.
This poem is about my own experience of living with a narcissistic mother.
"Narcissistic Mother Hates Her Daughter" #PoemsFromGod
Narcissistic mother inherently hates her daughter’s guts.
She sees her as another woman, of whom she’s envious and jealous.
She might be nice to people, even kissing others’ butts,
But to her daughter she is never good or kind or simply zealous.
Her only goal is to destroy her daughter permanently.
She’s filled with hatred, animosity, and ill will.
She says “I want you dead!” to her descendant personally.
She tries tenaciously her child to harm or kill.
7/17/19 © Anna Szabo, JD, MBA
Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother
Daughters believe their mothers. They accept what the mother says as correct, true, logical, and reasonable, though there is no evidence.
There’s no requirement for being logical or reasonable in order to be a parent.
When the mother fails to provide what the daughter needs, the child doesn’t know what she doesn’t know. She takes at a face value what the mother models in terms of relationships, friends, self-esteem, identity, and mindset.
Narcissistic mother wants the daughter to believe she is and always will be a failure. She treats her daughter as worthless.
Any mistake or even a simple misstep is the daughter’s fault, but if the daughter succeeds, all credit goes to the mother.
You must understand the truth about your mother and validate your own reality. Your mother failed you, and it’s time to draw some boundaries.
Not having contact with your mother is not the same as terminating the relationship.
The effect of this relationship persists way beyond the end of contact or even her death.
This relationship can’t be escaped, not even through death, but it can be resolved by realizing the truth and making peace with it.
Study and understand the six types of relationships so you can comprehend the truth and accept what happened to you with peace.
This classification of relationships will help you gain perspective.
Understand These Six Types of Relationships
1. Close relationships. Characterized by heart-to-heart conversations and mutual sharing, where one person is seeking to meet the relationship needs of another and vise verse.
2. Superficial relationships. These may include conversations and joint activities but without deep knowing of one another. Each person kind of still feels alone, even when in the presence of another.
3. Distant relationships. Here people exhibit little sharing and might seem disengaged. Very little communication happens in this type of relationships and neither person feels comfortable to show vulnerability.
4. Estranged relationships. These are the ones that have been cut off, broken, possibly due to a divorce or an unresolved conflict.
5. Conflicted relationships. These include a lot of hot arguing, fighting, or just hidden conflict where tension is always present.
6. Enmeshed relationships. This type of relationships offers very little individuality or separation of emotion. It’s not clear where you end and your mother begins. It’s almost like you are for her as a slave or servant. Personal boundaries are diffused in such a relationship. There’s no breathing room for you, you are expected to let go of your own thoughts, beliefs, hobbies, feelings, opinions, vision for the future, and dreams.
To summarize, the six types of relationships are:
- Close relationships
- Superficial relationships
- Distant relationships
- Estranged relationships
- Conflicted relationships
- Enmeshed relationships
My mother and I had an enmeshed relationship where my needs didn’t exist and I was there to serve and please my mother at any cost.
I idealized my mother until her true colors were revealed before I even became a teen. Then, I rebelled.
Eventually, I emigrated from Russia to America to be away from her but she started finding people on social media to reach out to me after she herself was blocked from all my profiles.
She would send messages to random strangers to pass to me. The messages were guilt-based and shame-provoking. She demanded that I leave everything and come back to Russia to take care of her and her garden.
The picture she painted was how wonderful it would be for me to live with her and her mother and sister again.
I tried to reason with her but after her hate-filled rage explosions I ended up blocking her.
Blocking her on social media gave me mental space to process everything and gain perspective but it didn’t help me heal.
Having myself open to a relationship with her and watching out, seeing her exactly for what she is and understanding what she’s doing – that did help me heal.
I love her as a person and I pray for her salvation.
But her words have no power over me because I didn’t come here from her, I came through her from God.
What Does The Bible Say About a Narcissistic Mother?
People often ask me if I forgave my mother. What they actually want to hear is that I reconciled with her. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing.
I forgave my mother, which means I do not hold her wrongdoing against her, she doesn’t owe me an apology or anything at all. I forgave my mother not because of her, but because of Jesus. Who Jesus is and what He did on the cross is the reason why I forgave my mother.
Reconciliation of the relationship doesn’t always follow the forgiveness of the offender because it might be unwise due to the violent behaviors of the person.
People tend to impose on me their belief that I must be in a relationship with my mother. Yet, the Bible says “Do not conform to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind,” so let’s see how to renew your mind daily using God’s Word regarding your mother, her character, behaviors, and influence on you.
Desire fulfilled is sweet to the soul,Proverbs 13:19-21
but turning away from evil is abhorrent to fools.
She who walks with the wise will become wise,
but the companion of fools will suffer.
Evil pursues sinners,
but prosperity will reward the righteous.
The Bible tells you that the fool hates turning away from evil. It says you must walk with the wise so you yourself can be wise. It warns you that if you remain the companion of the fool, you will suffer harm.
10 As for a person who stirs up division, after warning her once and then twice, have nothing more to do with her, 11 knowing that such a person is warped and sinful; she is self-condemned.Titus 3:10-11
The Word of God commands you to establish boundaries and instructs you how to do it. The Bible says you must give to the person who is inflicting pain and suffering on you two warnings. God’s Word teaches you to have nothing to do with that person after you establish boundaries and she violates them twice, because, the Bible says, that person condemns herself.
6 Do not let anyone fool you by telling you things that are not true, because these things will bring God’s anger on those who do not obey him. 7 So have nothing to do with them. 8 In the past you were full of darkness, but now you are full of light in the Lord. So live like children who belong to the light. 9 Light brings every kind of goodness, right living, and truth.Ephesians 5:6-9
God’s wisdom is eternal. It’s the only truth to live by and it instructs you to separate yourself from your abusive, hateful, cruel, violent narcissistic mother if she’s trying to fool you by telling you untrue things about you.
If your mother keeps persuading you that you are worthless, the Biblical truth is that you are God’s precious masterpiece created in His image for His divine purpose. He made you to have you here, He has a plan for you.
If your mother tells you no one loves you and will never love you, the Biblical truth is that you’re loved by God unconditionally, for eternity. He adores you. He cares so much for you that He numbers your hair.
If your mother insists that you’re incapable, stupid, and will never amount to anything, God’s truth is that you can do all things through Christ. “All things” is inclusive of absolutely anything. You can do anything! You can be a CEO, a ballerina, a poet, an artist, a teacher, a lawyer, or a governor. All things are possible for you through Christ. That’s what God says.
Want to find out what else God says about you? Download my FREE BOOK OF DEVOTIONALS called #52Devotionals now.
The Bible explains in that last verse that in the past you didn’t know right from wrong. You had no idea that your mother was a narcissist.
You believed what your narcissistic mother did to you was normal.
God’s Word says that those days are over. You now know the truth.
It’s time for you to “live like children who belong to the light.” What does it mean? It means that now you know what the truth is and you need to separate yourself from the darkness and choose light.
The Bible says “light brings every kind of goodness and right living.”
If you experience social pressure from your community to submit yourself to the abuse of your mother, remember that those people who persuade you to be in a relationship with her aren’t in your shoes and their advice to you is not Biblical, it’s worldly.
Do not submit to the pattern of the world. Turn to the Holy Spirit given to you in Christ to discern. Separate yourself from the fool.
Guard your mind and heart because your ability to live right starts in your heart. The Bible wants you to treasure your heart, not expose it to abuse.
Above all else, guard your heart,Proverbs 4:23
for everything you do flows from it.
The people who insist you must reconcile the relationship with your mother have no idea how evil your mother is and won’t ever understand it because they can never live through what you lived through with her.
God’s word also encourages us “Don’t cast your pearls before swine” so you don’t have to explain yourself to everyone who has absolutely no experience or understanding to even slightly comprehend the scope of trauma and abuse your mother imposed on you.
For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared.Ephesians 6:15
Have peace from understanding that God created you in His own image for His divine purpose. Dwell on what God wants for you. Don’t worry about what people want for you.
Listen to the Holy Spirit in you when it comes to figuring out how to protect yourself from your narcissistic mother.
What Happens to Children of Narcissistic Mothers?
I shared with you a lot of information. Now, I will tell you stories that will demonstrate what happens to the children of narcissistic mothers.
What I share here is a small portion of what happened to me but I chose these examples to reveal the cause-and-effect relationship between being brain-washed by the narcissistic mother and being unable to live productively for God’s glory.
I will show you how being raised by a narcissistic mother causes behavioral and mental health problems that must be recognized and addressed before we can have goodness and right living like the Bible instructs us to have.
The examples below were chosen because of their severely traumatizing impact on my life, including addictions, depression, PTSD, and suicide.
Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother Forced Suicide
My mother blamed me for everything in her life, including my birth. She told me how she went to abort me and how unwanted I was, how much her mother hated me before I was even born, and how I would never amount to anything. My grandmother demanded that I never call her “grandmother” and that I just pass her by when I see her because I was fatherless and she was ashamed of me.
Please note: we all lived in the same home my entire 25 years of life in Russia. I passed my grandma all day long every day and she’d often pretend like I was invisible.
Mom portrayed her motherhood as a sacrifice and made me feel indebted by my very existence. She dressed me up as a boy and called me a boy’s name at first. I always felt awkward and was confused, so I tried to escape into my head and dream up a better future for myself.
I began rebelling against her after my grandmother tried to chock me by holding me by my neck to the wall and lifting me up in a dark hallway of our home. My mother never believed me that it actually happened and told me that my grandmother was really good and I was really bad. I was five years old.
My mother idolized grandma and lived with her for the last 64 years. My mother is 64 right now.
My grandma’s exact age is unknown because she always lied about it and had a fake passport. She’s about to celebrate her 91st birthday as I’m writing this but five years ago she was celebrating her 88th birthday.
At six, I was already being abused constantly.
Summers were the worst because there was no school and I had to endure my mother’s abuse 24/7.
At 11 and 12, I tried to commit suicide. Twice. Life was so hopeless.
After that, she encouraged me to try again. I never did but I was on the phone with suicide prevention hotline very often trying to survive the chaos of my mother’s mental haze.
My mother threatened me with suicide. She’d describe how she’d hang herself on a kitchen chandelier and leave a letter telling everyone her suicide was my fault.
Suicidal thoughts were an inheritance from my mother. It took a lot of work 1:1 with Jesus to finally resolve them.
My own experience has taught me that anyone can build a joyful life by embracing God’s word.
Raised by a Narcissistic Mother to Be a Sex Addict
When I was five, mother taught me about sex, explaining to me that I was for sex and sex was love. It was 1988. She used to leave a hard-core pornography book called “Emmanuelle” on a table for me so I could read it.
“Emmanuelle” was also a film I was encouraged to watch to learn about love. This porn series, which was banned by the President of France initially until the new government authorities set it free, includes group sex, lesbian sex, sex with children and strangers, and even rape.
I was a little innocent girl when those images and videos were introduced to me as love.
In the first 14 weeks when this porn film was released, 2.5 million Frenchmen stood in line to watch it.
That film was shown to me causally to educate me about love and my identity as a woman.
I was taught from that point on that to be a woman worthy of a man, I must be as sensual and sexual as the Dutch model and actress Sylvia Kristel.
Why was she Dutch in a French porn series? Because the pornography was so mind-boggling that the producers were unable to find French actresses to play Emmanuelle.
Here’s elderly Kristel herself explaining that “Emmanuelle” was not even expected to ever be released because it was such a hard-core-porn film.
Yet, to me, a little Russian girl, the film was shown very casually and presented to be about the kind of woman I must become teaching me what love is and how to love.
Released in 1974, the soft-focus French film was one of the first erotic movies to be shown in mainstream cinemas. Sylvia Kristel described the film as violent, humiliating, and disgusting.
She hoped her mother would never see it but it became the most popular film in France and other countries around the world for over a decade.
In Russia, my mother even took me to movie theaters to watch pornography. She was single and obsessed with sex. Emmanuelle was the book popping up everywhere I was. When I saw my mother reading at home, it was Emmanuelle she was holding in her hands.
My mother never wanted to hold me for comfort as other parents I saw did. She would give me affection by gently petting my back with something soft if I agreed to do the same to her.
It was an enmeshed and awkwardly confusing relationship where my mother brainwashed me and required inappropriate things to be done in order for me to earn her love and approval.
I was still in elementary school when I placed my little orange jacket on my chair and was moving my little butt in circles masturbating in front of my teachers. No one ever addressed this or offered me any help.
No one ever questioned my mother’s parenting, the pornographic literature she offered to me, or the hard-core porn films shown to me as a child.
In 2014, I was diagnosed with sex addiction.
In 2014, I gave my life to Jesus, embarked on a celibacy journey, went to sex-addiction therapy, and attended Sexaholics Anonymous here in Atlanta at Peachtree Presbyterian Church.
I wrote a poem about the experience and how it impacted my identity.
When I was five years old, my mama told me
That I was born to be a mother and a wife.
I was taught how to make men want me
And that sex was the best key to my best life.
When at six years old I strived to study,
Mama told me that instead I needed men,
That their focus of attention was my body
And I’d better master sex to live in zen.
When at 15, graduating with high honors,
I left school to go to college and to work,
Mama told me that my wasteful life her bothers,
That my oddity and fancy were a quirk.
When at 19, graduating with high honors,
After college, I went on to Busines School,
Mama told me I was crazy and went bonkers,
She was hateful, she was violent, she was cruel.
At 24 I graduated with high honors
From two good schools with two degrees in law and business.
I mastered also sex and men to meet my mothers
Expectations and demands for my life’s richness.
I got married to Prince Charming and left Russia.
And I strived to be a mother and a wife.
Domestic Violence was my marriage daily crushing.
I had to run away to save my life.
When police took me away to homeless shelter,
I was crushed, I was confused, I was in pain.
In a foreign country I life entered.
To survive, I had to daily use my brain.
Within 18 months, I learned the language
And I passed the Academic English Test.
As an immigrant, I had a disadvantage,
So I went to school to prove my best.
MBA from GSU was good decision,
Only mama was still living in my head.
She continued my identity collision:
To be mother, to be wife, or stay unwed?
Mama’s voice remained the strongest, so I married.
He was doctor. I was student. We had kids.
Her ideas of myself I always carried:
I’m for men and I’m for sex. Mom’s voice mine beats.
When I got my MBA and started working,
That second marriage quickly also got dissolved.
As I was hustling a lot and money earning,
My identity and purpose both evolved.
But Mama’s voice was surely ever-lasting:
You’re for men, you are for sex, you must be wife.
In confusion and in pain my purpose wasting,
I went on to live a very furtive life.
Slept around, drank like crazy, I was sinking.
My identity collision was a burden.
To avoid my pain and life, I was just drinking,
Who I was and whose I was, I was uncertain.
It was April, it was dark, and I was crying.
There was carpet, there were stars, and I was kneeling.
I was praying - to surrender I was trying.
And that night I did experience deep healing.
I asked Jesus: change my mind and my head’s voices.
I asked Him to lead my life, to guide my journey.
Ever since my soul is healed and it rejoices.
Mom’s and mine beliefs on life no longer tourney.
Jesus taught me that I am, in fact, a royal.
Child of God, I am, in fact, King’s Princess.
Ever since, to Him I’m being loyal.
Trusting Him, I am becoming fearless.
Mom’s beliefs and my beliefs no longer matter.
Jesus tells me my life’s purpose and desire.
Single life for me, He says, is better.
His commands today my life inspire.
4/27/19 © Anna Szabo, JD, MBA
My mother told me she was not good at sex, and that women who were better at it had a better chance of getting married.
Her ideal future for me, which she communicated to me consistently, was to get married at 20, have a baby, get divorced, and live with her for the rest of my life so she could raise my baby.
I was pregnant at 17 and miscarried. I never got pregnant after that.
From a very young age, I remember my mother’s conversations with me about the importance of sex, how much I needed a man, how essential it was for me to master my sex skills by practicing a lot, as well as how I needed to prepare myself for a great marriage by developing my sex-related abilities.
I was also raped, which my mother advised me to consider a blessing and it was never talked about again.
Here’s what I learned from therapy and support groups on my journey of healing.
Little Anna had a need for attention and acceptance. Her mother only gave her love when talking about men and sex. So, that little girl was thinking: “Want attention and acceptance form your mother? Talk sex and men!”
That led to the feeling of obsession with sex and men in the heart of the little girl who was simply starving for her mother’s love. She was scared to be rejected again and again by her mother if she refused that mentality.
That feeling led to the development of obsessive-compulsive sexual behavior. Because the model that was developed in that girl’s head was this:
“Want to feel loved by your mother? Have a lot of sex and talk to her about it, so you two can bond.”
The pattern was reinforced for years, and that’s how I ended up suffering from sexual addiction, giving myself away for the sake of the opportunity to bond with my mother.
I realized that dealing with a narcissistic mother requires a strong identity in Christ and tremendous courage.
Living with a Narcissistic Mother Resulted in C-PTSD
My mother used to spread dry buckwheat on the wooden floor at our home and place me on my knees in the corner on top of that sharp grain to remain there for hours at a time.
My knees would be damaged from the triangular ancient grain. I’d be so exhausted, I’d often fall on the floor asleep in tears.
She used to have a collection of leather belts that were very skinny and left scars when she’d batter me, which was very often until I turned 12 and began fighting back. I remember she’d beat me up so much and then stare at me and say: “I love you and I just want what’s best for you.”
Soon came the time when I started locking the door in my bedroom. I was so scared of my violent mother, many nights I’d stay awake just to be on guard.
Later on, when I became a teen, the violence continued and often she’d knock, I’d open my bedroom door, she’d place her foot in between the door frame and the door itself, and try to hit me.
She’d call me names, scream at me, and try to make her way into my bedroom to abuse me. I would jump on the bed and run around just to escape her insanity. I ran away from home often and was gone for many days at a time.
One cold morning, I was cooking in the kitchen and had a frying pan on the gas stove with olive oil in it. My mother grabbed the hot pan and spilled the boiling oil on me. Then, she laughed.
If it wasn’t winter and I wasn’t wearing 5-layer cotton pants to stay warm, I would probably have been injured.
It was December 2006 when I was flying to Jamaica to spend New Year’s celebration with my American Prince Charming. I was almost walking out the door with my luggage when she started a fight with me.
My mother looked me straight in the eye with her dark eyes wide open in an intimidating, witch-like way, and she screamed at me: “I hate you and I just want you dead! I’ll make sure your plane crashes!”
To live with my mother, I had to carry a taser and a bottle of pepper spray.
July 31st, 2008 was my last day in Russia. All my friends came to say goodbye. My mother was violent and hateful all day.
She was describing to me how I’d soon crawl to her on my knees begging her to take me back from America and then I would have learned my lesson that she is everything and I am nothing.
To escape her craziness and to make it to my plane, my friends had to physically protect me.
It was the last time I ever saw my mother.
On July 31st, 2008 I arrived in America where I found safety and peace over the years.
However, my mother continued harassing me by creating online profiles with my name, befriending my friends here in Atlanta to pass hateful messages to me, and brainwashing people close to me from 9000 km away.
In 2016, I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD.
Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) is a psychological disorder that can develop in response to a prolonged, repeated experience of interpersonal trauma in a context, in which the individual has little or no chance of escape.
My mother was the first contributor to the “prolonged, repeated experience of interpersonal trauma.”
I discovered that to help me with flashbacks and painful memories today best works self-care.
Self-Care Strategies That Help Me
- Quiet time with God
- Learning about narcissism to help me remember: it is not my fault. It is not me.
My mother is not well mentally. I accept this truth with peace. I feel compassion for her. I love her as God asks us to forgive and love people.
She says she loves me and I do believe that in the only way she can love me she probably does love me. You can’t give someone what you yourself do not have.
Love from her is no tenderness.
But I think whatever she received from her mother is the only thing she could ever give to me, which she did.
That being said, I do not expose myself to my mother’s abuse.
Being the Child of a Narcissistic Mother Led to OCD
Our home with so many people living there was no safe haven. When I was nine years old, one afternoon I came home from school and my two relatives were on the floor drunk, face-down in vomit and poop.
I was the one to order things in such situations.
The condo where we lived was old, dirty, ugly, and unsafe. There was mold everywhere, holes in the floors, mice were just a part of the family, and roaches were often on my bed pillow.
The ceiling was pilling off and falling on the floor. Same with the walls.
The beat-up bathtub was dark-orange from tear and wear and rust would stain my hands. We had no washer or dryer so the bathtub was where I did laundry by hand, even bed sheets. It was tough.
There was no sink in the one and only bathroom we had, so that bathtub was were every family member brushed their teeth and spit, blew their nose, and often even peed.
Not having order and having a mess everywhere was devastating. Seeing pee and poop in the bathtub was disgusting. My mother was a hoarder so every corner was filled with useless crap, and there was no way to clean.
Often, my mother would go to the garbage containers outside our neighborhood and bring home old junk people threw away. She’d ask me to clean it and she’d say she’ll make it look pretty. But it would never happen.
Old trash was everywhere in the house. Her hoarding was hard on me.
But the most devastating part of my life there was what my mother did to disorder and disorganize our life together in a different kind of sense. And it was this: she constantly brought random people from the streets to live in our home and called them family.
She brought two girls in when I was in B-school. I had never met them before but the next thing I know – they live with us. They all slept in one bedroom, stonewalled and bullied me together, and mother called them “my favorite daughters.”
One time, she brought a bum to live with us. She knew nothing about the man but she told me he was now her husband.
Living there with my narcissistic mother in the midst of chaos, violence, manipulation, adultery, alcoholism, and complete mental haze, I remember dreaming how one day I would live alone in a quiet, well-ordered, beautiful, and organized home where everything would be new and I would be the only person with the key.
I dreamed of total silence and safety. I dreamed of order and peace.
Today I live alone in silence and I love it.
I developed OCD.
I struggle with Symmetry and Order OCD (excessive thoughts (obsessions) that lead to repetitive behaviors (compulsions)).
People who suffer from Symmetry OCD become fixated on the position and arrangement of certain objects and will feel uncomfortable and distressed when encountering items that are not aligned correctly or that appear somehow incomplete.
Individuals with concerns related to symmetry or exactness of order may experience extreme anxiety, an intense reaction, and an overwhelming need or urge for things to be balanced, ordered, and complete.
I can’t live in a home that’s unfinished, disorganized, or has old things in it. My home is minimalistic, has beautiful furniture and decor, but nothing extra, everything gets cleaned once a week and absolutely nothing occupies corners in my home. There are no spiders here, no mice, and no strangers.
I’m the only one who has the key to my home.
It’s serene here. This is my safe place.
I love my home.
Summary: Raised by a Narcissistic Mother
To summarise this conversation about what it was like to be raised by a narcissistic mother, I want to reiterate that daughters of narcissistic mothers endure abuse of all sorts: physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, and mental.
It’s critical to learn how to establish boundaries with the narcissistic mother. It’s essential to practice self-care.
One important step toward recovery and healing is designing a vision for your future. So, let’s talk next about figuring our what YOU really want.
How to Figure Out What You Really Want
I created some exercises to help you out. These were first published in my award-winning book called “Turn Your Dreams and Wants into Achievable SMART Goals!”
The Old You Exercise
What is your ideal future? One week from now? A month from now? A year, five, and ten years from today? Where would you like to end up in life?
To answer these questions, let’s journal.
Imagine yourself being 98 years old. You are sitting in a rocking chair in a quiet room and thinking about the life you’ve lived.
You look back and realize that you had a very good life, so you experience the feelings of fulfillment and joy.
You have no regrets and think to yourself: “If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t have changed a thing! What a wonderful life!”
Now, get a pen and some paper and write down the description of that “wonderful life” you were just thinking about.
The Happiest Day in Your Life Exercise
During my workshops when I teach groups of people how to set goals, I typically offer the exercise that activates the mindset of joy and happiness.
Here’s what I recommend to do.
Describe the happiest day of your life. Where would it be? Whom would it be with? What would be the circumstances? What would be your health condition?
Just let your imagination flow freely!
Once you’re done, you should have some breakthroughs about what you really want and what matters most to you in life.
The Young You Exercise
Write a letter to your younger self (choose the age at which you were the most aspired to do great things and had ambitious expectations of life).
Explain to that young person how you have got to where you are right now.
Describe what has been motivating and what has been discouraging you. Reveal the details of what you’ve done with the dreams and desires of that young you.
Expound where you’re going now and where you see yourself ending up.
How does it feel to that young and aspired you to hear what you’re saying on paper right now? Use this list of feelings if you need some help with soul words.
After this exercise, you should be able to say without a doubt what it is that you really want in life. YOU personally!
Your life is yours to live.
Being productive and mentally stable is your responsibility because you’re here to glorify God.
To do the good work He prepared in advance for you to do, you must believe that you can do all things through Christ.
God says you are capable, powerful, decisive, wise, and a difference-maker!
Find out what else God says about you! Download my FREE BOOK OF DEVOTIONALS called #52Devotionals now.
The most important two things I want you to remember are these: you didn’t come here from your mother, you came through her from God; life sometimes rocks and sometimes sucks but it’s worth living.
You and I both had plenty of things to endure in life when it comes to our narcissistic mothers. The suffering imposed on us as little girls was dramatic and traumatizing. We are in pain. Our mothers harmed us.
But God is more powerful than narcissistic personality disorder mother-daughter relationship haze.
God is the source of wisdom, and He says you must establish boundaries with your mother. God is the source of strength, and He says you can do all things through Christ, even establish boundaries and become free from the bondage with her. God loves you unconditionally for eternity. You are loved by God.
He created you in His image for His divine purpose because He wanted you. He planned you and He prepared for you. His plan is good and He has good work for you to do here on earth.
God asks you to forgive.
Forgiving your mother is very hard. Yet, it’s essential if you want to heal and have joy. You must forgive your mother not because she changed or apologized (it will most likely never happen because she doesn’t think anything is wrong with her).
You must forgive your mother because of Jesus.
I want to share this poem with you.
Forgiveness is a lifelong journey.
It's a decision to set people free
From the debt of offense they owe you,
Issuing them an intentional debt-free decree.
The beneficiary of that decree though is not them -
It's your heart that experiences liberation
From anger and bitterness as you no longer condemn,
So issue people the forgiveness decree with no hesitation.
Forgive people often or daily or even hourly.
Decide to quit taking the resentment poison.
Commit to letting go of grudges sincerely
And move light-heartedly toward your new horizon.
8/26/17 © Anna Szabo, JD, MBA
Accepting God’s forgiveness for yourself and forgiving your mother will set you free from the painful bondage and liberate you so that you can live a joyful life by embracing God’s Word.
I hope my story demonstrates effectively what daughters of narcissistic mothers go through. If you have any questions or stories in regards to what happens to children of narcissistic mothers, comment below.
The most important information for you to know is what to do if you have a narcissistic mom. So, here’s a summary of what we talked about in terms of your 12-step plan of action and how to best deal with the situation.
How To Deal With a Narcissistic Mother
1. Step out of denial into acceptance of reality about your mother
Accepting that your mother is a narcissist takes courage because of the emotional pain you’ll unavoidably experience when facing reality. Yet, remaining in denial will only keep you in bondage with her.
2. Allow the child in you to make peace with the painful truth
The little girl in you trusted your mom unconditionally. That child idealized her mother and believed mom’s every word. Facing the truth about your mother will immediately offend the little girl in you. Allow her to process things slowly so she can make peace with reality.
3. Understand that you’re filled with anxiety about life and people because your narcissistic mother persuaded you that you don’t have the right to live and are worthless
You do not owe your mother anything. She tries to impose on you the debt that can never be repaid, and the sacrifices she made are blown out of proportion. She had you and yes, just like every newborn, you needed her. But you’re not indebted by it. You didn’t come here from your mother. You came here through her from God. She treats you like you have no right to live but God designed you and brought you here for His divine purpose. You are a child of God – His masterpiece.
4. Realize that you can’t depend on your mother whom you idealized and idolized
Your narcissistic mother wants to know every detail of your personal business so she can use it against you and humiliate you. She’s untrustworthy. Don’t tell her any secrets. Keep your privacy protected. Guard your heart, as the Bible teaches: your life depends on it.
5. Recognize that there will never be enough sacrifice for your mother, her demands never end, she always criticizes you and wants to own and dominate you
The desire you feel to please your mother is natural. You have a good heart and go above and beyond to meet your mother’s demands. You respect your parent and want to honor her. There’s no end to this. She will never be pleased or satisfied. Her demands are unreasonable and they won’t stop. She will always criticize you. It’s because of who she is and has nothing to do with who you are or what you do for her.
6. Comprehend what she’s doing to you and the harm you endured
Educating yourself about the characteristics of a narcissistic mother will help you see that you’re not alone, you’re not crazy, you’re not worthless, and you’re not hopeless. Understanding what happens to children of narcissistic mothers will help you realize how to deal with your mom.
7. Build a plan to recover and heal so you can stand firm on your own two feet and be emotionally independent of this toxic relationship
You need a plan for recovery. It must include boundaries and self-care. Take some time to think through what you want, what brings you joy, and what you desire for your future. Develop good habits. Work out, eat healthily, meditate, read the books that inspire hope in you, and journal about your goals, your vision, your exciting future.
8. Establish boundaries, though you fear your mother
Draw a line and define where you end and your mother begins. You’re responsible for yourself. She’s responsible for herself. You’re not responsible for her. There’s nothing you can do to make her happy. Her thoughts determine how she feels. She chooses her thoughts. How she feels is not determined by you but by her.
9. Make yourself uninteresting and boring, she hates boring, so don’t tell anything exciting or important to her
It’s natural to want to share your accomplishments and dreams. But when you share with your narcissistic mother, she finds a way to poison you. Don’t tell her anything interesting. Be boring when you talk to her. Be uninteresting so you can guard your heart and mind.
10. Focus on you, build trustworthy relationships with emotionally-healthy people who care about you
She harmed you, yes, but you can have a joyful life by embracing God’s Word. He says you are powerful and can do all things through Christ. Design the future you want. Your past does not define your future if you take control of your present. Focus on you and your future.
11. Practice self-care, read, write, cook, create art, swim, hike, dance, take fitness or public speaking classes, journal, protect yourself, heal
Establish a healthy routine. You lived through so much chaos! You need order in your life to bring stability and help you feel grounded in your own universe. Wake up early and read, workout, journal, create poetry, paint something, write a book, take dancing classes, go to Toastmasters and sharpen your public speaking skills. You deserve self-care, so invest time and energy in YOU.
12. Forgive your mother to set yourself free from the bondage with her so you can heal and build a joyful life by embracing God’s word
Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. You need to forgive your mother to liberate your heart from bondage but you don’t have to remain in your mother’s presence if she’s abusive, violent, or harmful in any way. Forgive her not because of her but because of Jesus.
Personally, I was able to experience genuine gratitude for all the lessons learned from the life experience with my mother, and I even developed a very positive habit of gratitude journaling out of that experience.
Related: My Gratitude Journal
By the way, if this content is helpful, you may express your gratitude now:
God is merciful and gracious. He sent His only son to redeem us at a high price because He loves us so much. God loves you unconditionally for eternity and He loves your mother, too.
Reach out for His strength and forgive your mother. Accept who she is and make peace with it.
This is not an encouragement to reconcile your relationship. It’s an encouragement to break free from her bondage, heal, and live a joyful life by embracing God’s word.
If this content helped you, share it with a woman who needs it right now
Dear #TruePrincesses! I’m Anna Szabo, the founder of Online Discipleship For Women. My Christian ministry was founded in 2017 when I was suicidal. God revealed to me how He sees me. Now, I help YOU see yourself the way God sees you.
My mission is to help alleviate suicide among women globally by encouraging YOU to have hope in God’s promises.
My vision is to help YOU create a joyful life by embracing God’s word.
My goal is to make the Gospel practical and applicable to YOUR daily experiences, especially your identity.
God loves you, He wants to be in a relationship with you. You are loved.