Have you ever felt like you somehow randomly made it into this world by mistake? Have you thought that it’s those others who have purpose and meaning and they belong and fit it… but you don’t?
I have. Here’s my baptism video and story of how I was told all my life growing up that I was worthless and a mistake.
Feeling random and purposeless
Until I was 12 years old, I felt completely random and totally purposeless. I was born to a single mother who didn’t want to have me and she made sure I knew it.
Every day, she abused me and told me that I was worthless, stupid, ugly, unwanted, and a mistake. She described to me how she went to abort me but the doctors said it was too dangerous for her health.
My mom always told me that I was an accident, that she didn’t want to have me, and that there was no future for me, except as a generator because I wouldn’t amount to anything in life.
She consistently shared with me as I was growing up how much she hated me.
My mom called me a boy’s name till I was 7 years old. She hated that I was born and she hated that I was born a girl.
My father had nothing to do with me.
My grandmother was ashamed of me because I was fatherless and born out of wedlock.
My family called me a miscarriage and they rejected me every day of my life.
I sure never thought of myself as being a masterpiece created on purpose.
I felt like I never belonged here, in this world, and didn’t have the right to live because I was unwanted and unplanned.
My mother would publicly humiliate me, compare me to her girlfriends’ daughters and to my cousins, she’d tell me in my face: “I hate you and I just want you dead!”
My mother would force me to get on my knees and beg her, even publicly. She’d put me on my knees in front of our neighbors, and under my knees, on dirts, she put dry buckwheat, which is a triangular ancient grain with sharp corners, to cause more physical pain.
I tried to commit suicide twice at 11 and 12 to escape my narcissistic mother.
I actually wrote a poem as I was processing my thoughts while working on this devotional.
A Narcissistic Mother 10/6/18
A Narcissistic Mother is egotistical and incapable of love or compassion.
She is self-centered and only for herself does she experience any genuine passion.
She is a caregiver who treats her daughter as if the child’s aim were to be of service.
She deliberately persuades her daughter that she’s unloved, undeserving, unwanted, and worthless.
A Narcissistic Mother is one moment raging and next moment she is smiling.
She behaves unpredictably; her goal is to win people’s compliments and admiring.
She has an enmeshed relationship with her daughter where her child’s needs don’t even exist.
If she decides to appear nice, she is pleasant, but in a split of a second she’s violent and pissed.
She uses her daughter to fuel her ego or get some money; that’s pretty much it.
And of course, her true motives she would never openly to anyone admit.
A Narcissistic Mother sucks a life out her daughter and says straightforwardly: “I just want you dead!”
Her daughter ends up with a long-lasting emotional trauma and a life of self-healing ahead.
I felt random and purposeless in my family growing up. I was wondering about my identity: I couldn’t believe I was my mother’s child. I was hoping that some day my father would come to my rescue or my real mother would show up, and she’d be kind, loving, and patient. It never happened.
I was desperate to escape my mother’s violent trap. I was so tired from feeling random and purposeless. I was exhausted from her abuse.
That’s why I resorted to suicide.
After I attempted my second suicide when I was 12 years old, I was warned by the ambulance doctor to never try pills again. The threat was that he will tell my school’s Principal about my suicidal tendencies.
I was scared, because I liked the Principal and she was like a Guardian Angel to me.
I had a breakthrough after that. I thought: “If I can’t die now after trying so hard, there must be a god and he probably has a plan for me.”
Immediately I felt that my life had some kind of divine purpose.
Discovering my life’s purpose
I grew up into an adult, graduated from three universities, and left Russia in 2008.
I moved to America and in 2016, I married a kind-hearted, Bible-believing, seminary graduate (according to his words) Christian man who treated me with love and care.
As I walked down the aisle on 5/14/2016, there stood Michel, the man I loved and adored! He had the tears of happiness in his eyes. Michel declared his genuine love for me to the world that day.
Our wedding was a happy and memorable day. I wore a true Princess dress, was in love with Michel, and couldn’t wait to begin our life together as husband and wife.
That day, I became “Missis Szabo” and looked forward with a hopeful heart to spending the rest of my life with the man I loved and considered Christ-like.
After the wedding, Michel abandoned our marriage and declared to me: “My bicycle is my other wife I cheat on you with.” He said that he wasn’t interested in me and that all he wanted was to be an IronMan and complete in Kona.
We never made it to even a honeymoon. Instead, right after our wedding, we went to Chattanooga, TN for an IronMan competition.
[picture of us there from IG]
Michel rejected me not just verbally and with his daily actions, but sexually, too, stating that he didn’t want sex and needed to save his body for IronMan training.
Every day following our wedding, Michel treated me as a woman who just randomly ended up in the same house with him without any purpose whatsoever. He never treated me as his wife.
I began to experience a severely suicidal depression. Being dead seemed like a much better future than another day of future with Michel.
[depression poem video]
The relationship with Michel was almost identical to that with my mother: Michel treated me as if were a tool to make him feel good about himself. That was how my mother treated me growing up. Michel had no concern about my needs and neglected me in our private life. My mother was the same way: in public, she was always pretending to be caring and loving, but in private she was neglectful and evil.
I actually wrote a poem about the experience.
As I was manipulated to the point of complete mental haze during our short marriage, my suicidal thoughts and the feelings of purposelessness and hopelessness increased and resulted in this suicidal spoken word.
[suicide poem video]
I felt random and purposeless, until in my despair I turned to the Bible to find out what God said about me. And that was how I found out that I was God’s precious masterpiece, created in His own image, for the purpose of doing good works He prepared in advance for me to do.
Living on purpose
I realized that the purpose of living is life itself. I discovered that God created me for whatever reason – to be. He crafted me, He manufactured me, He designed me with a special purpose: to do good work He prepared in advance for me to do.
Ephesians 2:10 says this:“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do”
Handiwork = Artwork = Masterpiece
Having realized that it’s all me, I was able to accept and embrace my identity in Christ as His handiwork, art, and masterpiece.
I found out that God wants me to be like Christ. Being Christ-like is the ultimate goal of my sanctification, which is a process. Becoming Christ-like takes time.
1 John 3:2 says this:“Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.”
So, becoming Christ-like is a process, but being a masterpiece is my identity already right now. I am God’s masterpiece. Wow!
For some time, I tried to disagree with this truth and feel negatively about myself. I didn’t feel comfortable mentally or verbally confirming that “Yes, I’m a masterpiece made by God!” But I asked myself: “Do you believe that the Bible is God-breathed word?” Yes, of course!“
“Then, you must believe it in its entirety,” I told myself. And if so, it’s easy to believe wholeheartedly that I am God’s masterpiece.
I accepted my identity as God’s handiwork and I embraced my life’s purpose of doing good work for God.
What about you? Do you believe that you are God’s art, created by Him intentionally for a special purpose?
If you do, memorize the Biblical affirmation below and practice it often to remember that you are God’s masterpiece.
I am God’s masterpiece
God created me not randomly but intentionally.He crafted every part of me as His curious work.He wants to perfect me to Christ-likeness eventually.I am His precious and valuable artwork. How does it make you feel to know that you are God’s masterpiece? Share with me in the comments below so I can cheer you on.
If this devotional was helpful, download all #52Devotionals now.
Dear #TruePrincesses! I’m Anna Szabo, the founder of Online Discipleship For Women.
On this Christian blog for women, I write about the six pillars of joyful living: Faith, Food, Fitness, Finances, Felicity, and Fortitude.
Please post your comments and questions for me. Your opinions, thoughts, life stories, and experiences matter. Why? Because every story is for God’s glory. I share with you my life experiences and believe that God has each of us on a very special journey. He wants to uniquely equip and qualify us for special ministry in His kingdom. The purpose of adversity is for us to persevere, grow in faith, and share hope with others. So, share freely here!
May this ministry be a blessing to you!