I am a Difference Maker - Daily Devotional for Women by Anna Szabo of Online Discipleship for Women

Have you ever thought about the purpose of your life? Why are you here? What’s the ultimate goal of your existence? I was only 12 when, for the first time, I had a breakthrough that I am a difference-maker. It was after my second suicide attempt had failed. It took decades for me to discover the purpose of my life, and today I want to share the blessing with you. You are a difference-maker created for God’s divine purpose!

I am a Difference Maker #52Devotionals Devotions for Women  by An

Realizing That I Am a Difference Maker

I want to show you how God works. So, I’ll share my entire journey with you: from suicide attempts and chaotic life being misguided and lost in confusion to the day God revealed to me how to make a difference with my story and give Him all the glory. As you follow along, you’ll witness my missteps, failures, and emptiness. Remember: God uses wht He hates to accomplish what He loves.

RELATED: Why Does God Allow Bad Things To Happen?

Born out of wedlock during the crush of the USSR, raised on welfare by a single mom with mental health issues, I was told that I would never amount to anything. My cruel mom taught me that I was worthless and a mistake. She described to me how she went to abort me. She looked me straight in the eye and said: “I hate you and I just want you dead!”

I wrote two poems about my experiences:

All I knew about my father was that he was in jail and that I was an unwanted accident. I felt confused about who I was and why I was even born…

There was so much pain in my life… 

But I was never allowed to feel

Instead, I was forced to perform and achieve perfection. So, perfection and toxic positivity became my addiction. 

I attempted suicide twice as a child.

I was desperate to escape my mother’s violent trap. I was tired of hearing that I was worthless, stupid, ugly, and didn’t deserve to be alive. I was exhausted from my mom’s abuse. That’s why I resorted to suicide. After I had attempted it for the second time when I was 12 years old, I was warned by the ambulance EMT that if one more time I’d take pills, he would tell my school’s Principal about my life at home.

I loved school. I loved my Principal, and she loved me. I was scared because the Principal was like a Guardian Angel to me. She respected and encouraged me. She was kind to me.

At home, I was a nobody but I was a somebody at school! So, my breakthrough regarding being a difference-maker came at that time. How? I didn’t want to live, yet, I wasn’t able to die.

I thought to myself: “If I can not die now after trying so hard, there must be a god and he probably has a plan for me.” I wrote in my little journal: “I don’t know why my life is so terrible but I do see that somebody wants me to continue living my life alive. Maybe someday I will help other women survive and thrive?”

At 12 years old, I felt that I was born a difference-maker and my life had a divine purpose. This is described in detail in my autobiographical fairytale book called “How Priceless Lana Developed Faith and Fortitude.” There I share in-depth what changed in my heart after I realized that I wasn’t an accident or a mistake.

Princess Lana Fairytales by Anna Szabo - How Princess Lana Developed Faith and Fortitude

Pursuing Happiness

I never attempted suicide again but I also was not in any kind of therapy. Available to me was only a suicide hotline on an old yellow rotary-dial public street phone outside my neighborhood on a side of a grocery store. I wasn’t allowed to feel or process my emotional pain. I had to perform for perfection, smile, and call a suicide hotline often.

For many years, I thought that the purpose of my life was to be happy all the time. So, I tried hard to make myself happy, which resulted in a ton of debt, alcoholism, and sexual addiction. 

RELATED: Obsession with Happiness

I was dead on the inside but I looked pretty happy on the outside. I always looked so well put together. People referred to me as confident, sophisticated, and enthusiastic. I only talked about happy things: travel, shopping, having fun, and sex. I never talked about my real life or feelings. I never cried. I desperately pursued worldly happiness, and my toxic positivity was wearing me off quickly.

RELATED: The Happiness Illusion

I graduated with high honors from multiple universities in Russia. I spoke at local, regional, national, and international business conferences. I was a patron at many night clubs and chased fun with enormous amounts of alcohol. Pursuing earthly happiness is a very empty goal. It’s not fulfilling. It’s also subjective. Happiness is temporary. I was empty. I was not fulfilled. I was suffering and running away from myself every moment of every day. To escape my feelings and to remain trapped in toxic positivity, I had my many addictions, which allowed me to sleep-live: not really alive but appearing to be happy all the time.

At home, I lacked wise counsel. My mom was teaching me how to seduce men, how to experience multiple orgasms in order to gain approval from men, and how I was not enough as a woman unless I had a man’s validation through sex, expensive gifts, buckets of flowers, exotic travel, and the list goes on. I had all that but was even more empty.

RELATED: Sex Addiction

Any time I was sad or hurt, my mom offered me a drink. We’d get drunk and sing songs, which made me so happy because I would confuse drunkenness for bonding. I’d wake up with a hangover, sick, empty, and with my emotional pain still there.

When I discovered shopping, I became unstoppably happy indulging in buying fancy clothes and shoes and purses and jewelry… My happiness was conditional of course because it was so worldly. The condition for my happiness was that I had to be at the mall buying stuff. If the purse matched the shoes, I was so happy! If the bra gave me a push, I was ecstatic. New dresses, new pants, new boots and handbags, and let’s make them all custom-tailored or hand-made! And add fur to everything! That was what I did to pursue happiness all the time while dying on the inside from emptiness and emotional pain.

I remember being an honor student in two Russian universities simultaneously: a business school and a law school. I performed and achieved and chased the next big thing while suffocating from resentment toward toxic positivity, perfection, performance, and myself. I was drowning in my drunkenness almost daily just to avoid my feelings. That was how I lived my life … and then I met an American Prince Charming through an online matchmaking agency.

He flew to Kursk, Russia. We met and started traveling together since I had a few years to wait for my graduation from two universities. Our first travel was to Saint Petersburg, Russia. We stayed at the expensive Astoria Hotel. It was high-end, beautiful, and so fairy-taily. We rode a white carriage pulled by a white horse at night. He showered me with buckets of roses! It was romantic, so I was very happy. On that trip, Prince Charming kneeled and proposed to me. I said yes.

We then traveled to Bali and stayed at the gorgeous Bali Intercontinental at a large executive oceanfront suite. The ocean-view was breath-taking. The service was high-end. The unlimited alcoholic beverages were delicious. The shopping there was fun. The sex with Prince Charming was good. The elephant safari, the breakfast with orangoutangs, the underwater ocean walk exploring coral reefs were all very exciting. I was happy all the time. I was so blinded by my toxic positivity that I didn’t see what was coming… More on that later. Let’s continue with how happiness pursuits unfolded for me at that time. 

I returned to school. Prince Charming and I planned our next trip. I was happy in anticipation of more happiness. We traveled to Jamaica for New Year 2007 and stayed at the gorgeous Sandals White House between Kingston and Montego Bay. The ocean-view was breath-taking. The service was high-end. The unlimited alcoholic beverages were delicious. The shopping was fun. The sex was good. The sailing and the JetSki were exciting experiences. I was happy. I returned to school and we planned our next trip. I was happy in anticipation of more happiness. 

We then traveled to Barbados and stayed at the gorgeous private “The House” hotel with only 35 rooms. We had a wedding there in May of 2007. The ocean-view was breath-taking. The service was high-end. The unlimited alcoholic beverages were delicious. The shopping was fun. The sex was good. The snorkeling and the tubing were exciting experiences. But I was unhappy. It was like the famous Groundhog Day movie. Fun, exotic, high-end, exciting experiences were happening over and over again but I was still empty, unfulfilled, and wasn’t making any difference with my life. Every time, I could predict how I’d feel and what would happen next. I felt bored. I was becoming numb. 

I was unhappy. 

If happiness was such an empty pursuit, what was then the purpose of my life? I was wondering how I would make a difference but it took 10 years to discover all the answers. When all worldly pursuites failed, I turned to God, and He drew me close, revealed the truth to me, healed me, and helped me become a difference-maker.

Glorifying God

I remember sitting on the beach in Bali on another exotic trip with Prince Charming, sipping on another fancy drink, staring at the Indian Ocean and topless women around… and thinking: “What is the meaning of it all?” How does one make an impact on the world?

How can I make a difference?

Do I matter?

In the next 10 years after asking myself about my life’s purpose, I got married and divorced three times. Prince Charming brought me to America after my graduation and enslaved me until the Dunwoody Police Department conducted a rescue operation and helped me escape domestic violence. I was homeless in a foreign country without speaking the language but then taught myself English and graduated with an MBA from Georgia State University.

I published my first book about SMART goals. I became an award-winning author. I graduated from GA State University with an MBA and a 3.74 GPA. I received help for my sexual addiction. I ditched drinking. I got my compulsive shopping under control. I met Jesus and got baptized in front of 3000 people after I gave my life to Him. 

Jeremiah 1:5

My journey as a Christian begun by withdrawing from the world and diving deep into the word of God while also spending quiet time in communion with Him daily. I was beginning to understand that I was a difference-maker and how God orchestrated my life for His divine assignment. That journey was interrupted when Satan targeted and attacked me, which nearly caused my premature death…

RELATED: How Satan Came at Me Looking Saint

During that tough season, I started getting strongly-grounded in God’s word. I sought to understand exactly who I was, whose I was, why I was here, and where I was going with all that suffering…

I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.

Jeremiah 1:5

Prophet to the nations? What? Me?

How can I be a prophet to the nations when I’m so sinful and broken? And lost! Those were my thoughts when I began discovering the intimate truth about my identity in Christ. It was just the beginning of my closeness with God so I didn’t fully understand how God worked but I did trust Him, I trusted my journey, I believed wholeheartedly in all God’s promises, I studied Him and spend quality time with Him.

Ephesians 2:10

See, I thought I was created by my parents who weren’t married or even courteous with each other. I discovered that God created me. I came here from Him through my parents, not from them.

God crafted me, He manufactured me, He designed me with a special purpose: to do good work He prepared in advance for me to do. God brought me here to glorify Him.

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesians 2:10

Wait! What?! God made me like this?

All my suffering and afflictions have purpose? Really? Those were my thoughts as I was drawing close to God and learning more about Him, His plan, His promises, His ways of growing me, His desire to use me in His kingdom, and His manner of equipping and preparing His chosen people for ministry.

I was made in God’s image? Really? And what’s that thing about good works? And being a prophet??? All those thoughts were racing in my head, so I had an epiphany! Philippians 2:10 brought it all together and I finally understood the purpose of my life.

Philippians 2:10

God wanted me to come to Christ using my free will. God knew that I was His but He wanted me to come to the end of myself first and surrender, abide in Christ, and walk in the Spirit.

That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Philippians 2:10

The purpose of my life is to be a disciple of Jesus and give glory to God! God created me and knew my path before I was even born. He gave me all those experiences so that I would realize what it’s like to live without Him and finally genuinely desire to be His. 

God brought me to Jesus and saved me and gave me a new heart, new identity, new Spirit, and a new zeal for life. I got to know what it’s like to live with the good news in my heart. 

God revealed to me His good works. He showed me how He uniquely prepared and equipped me for His ministry. God called me to help alleviate suicide among women globally by sharing hope in Christ. He set me apart to be a prophet to the nations and share the Gospel to glorify Him while comforting His hurting daughters. He gave me this Christian ministry: Online Discipleship For Women.

“Whoever Brings Blessing Will be Enriched” Proverbs 11:25

Bless Online Discipleship For Women

This ministry is the very “good works God prepared in advance” for me to do. I am here to make a difference. I am a difference-maker! Encouraging and empowering women, just what I first realized at 12 years old! Sharing my story, giving God His glory, and helping alleviate suicide by spreading hope in Christ. Enabling others to create a joyful life by embracing God’s word. That is the good works God prepared in advance for me to do. He invested time and equipped me for ministry through all my suffering. Having clarity on the purpose of my life, I experienced profound joy and the kind of peace that passes all understanding. I was no longer dead on the inside. I came to life. I felt fulfilled.

RELATED: Spiritual Breakthrough

I was finally alive and full of joy, no shopping needed, no expensive hotels, no exotic trips, nothing at all could take my deep joy away from me. I became comfortable being uncomfortable, spending quiet time in the presence of my feelings, acknowledging my emotional pain, experiencing sadness about my own problems, processing my grief through genuine tears, and extracting wisdom from my wounds. I understood and embraced all my imperfections, vulnerabilities, insecurities, and afflictions. I became fully alert, alive, and aware of God’s sacred work in and through me. My life story brings out God’s glory. 

Instead of chasing maniac happiness and being trapped in toxic positivity, I now tap into God’s Holy Spirit and He fills me up with genuine joy. Deep, profound, lasting joy is so much better than fake momentary happiness. Joy comes from the Lord, from understanding God, from growing in faith, and from complete surrender. God’s joy is long-lasting. His joy is transformational. It changed me, my character, my habits, my lifestyle, and my future.

Stepping Into God’s Purpose 

What is the purpose of your life? 

If you gave your life to Christ and are following Him as His disciple, God set you apart as a prophet to the nations so you can share the Gospel, the good news of salvation. That is the good works He prepared in advance for you to do in order to glorify Him. In other words, you are here to make a difference. You are a difference-maker!

Do you believe this bout yourself?

If you do, memorize the Biblical affirmation below and practice it daily to remember the purpose of your life and that you are a difference-maker, uniquely equipped and prepared by God to comfort His people in His kingdom. Your wounds are your source of wisdom. Your baggage offers many blessings.

I Am a Difference Maker

I am a difference-maker #52Devotionals

I was put on Earth to make a difference.
My contribution matters to the world.
Serving and glorifying God is my interest,
Because Jesus me with His life served. 

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What action will you take now when you’re clear on the purpose of your life? Let me know in the comments below. I want to hear about your story of God’s glory. The image on the cover of this blog features my book signing in 2013. At the time, I lived in my own power and glorified only myself. I kept my struggles private and preferred toxic positivity over genuine vulnerability. Today, I am surrendered and I listen to God’s voice every day. I obey and follow, and making a difference often happens when I’m not wearing even makeup but am at hope in pjs writing on this blog openly, giving God the glory for my story.

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If this devotional was helpful, download all of my #52Devotionals below. They represent a collection of 52 Biblical affirmations revealing what God says about you. This Spirit-inspired ebook helps you understand who you are in Christ. Get the ebook below.

Anna Szabo's 52 Devotionals ebook revealing 52 things God says about you

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