I am decisive - - daily devotional for women by Anna Szabo #52Devotionals

This daily devotional focuses on showing you that no matter the difficult choices you face, you can make good decisions because you have a sound mind of Christ, if you’ve accepted Him as your lord and savior.

“Whoever Brings Blessing Will be Enriched” Proverbs 11:25

Bless Online Discipleship For Women

The format of this devotional for women is “self-examination” so I’ll be sharing my personal story of how I was paralyzed by indecision but later discovered what God says about me: I am decisive, I have a mind of Christ, and I have access to God’s infinite intelligence through the Holy Spirit (just like you). The power of vulnerability is huge, so I trust that sharing my deep insecurities and spiritual breakthroughs with you in this Biblical devotional will encourage and empower you. I pray that you’ll be moved and inspired.
Daily Devotional for Women: “I am decisive”

Making goods decisions is an art and a science all at the same time. We have to remember our identity, purpose, intentions… we have to take our thoughts captive and choose whether we want to walk in the Spirit or be slaves to sin in flesh… It’s a lot to process!
The good news is that we don’t have to ever experience paralysis by analysis. We have God’s Spirit of Truth. We have access to His infinite intelligence.
But I didn’t always know this. There was a time when I experienced such paralysis by analysis that a suicide appeared to be the only solution to my then-huge problems.
[suicide poem video]
Let me start from the beginning. I need to share with you first how I learned to doubt my thoughts and mental abilities.
Learning to doubt my thoughts 

When I was 15 years old, I graduated with high honors from 8th grade at school #36 in Kursk, Russia. It was 1998.
I was accepted to Kursk Pedagogical College with only one exam. While there, I did my internship at a jail with “difficult children” and became passionate about Criminal Justice.
After 4 years of training and practice as an elementary school teacher, I graduated in 2002 with high honors. I then worked at a boarding school with abused and abandoned children while attending a business school.
I was accepted to The All-Russian Distance Institute of Finance and Economics (ARDIFE) in 2002 and graduated with high honors after 6 years there.
Three years before my graduation from ARDIFE, I enrolled to the South-West State University in Kursk to study Criminal Justice.
On February 21st of 2008, I passed my final exams at The All-Russian Distance Institute of Finance and Economics and graduated with high honors receiving a Bachelor’s in Business Adminstration.
On July 18th of 2008, I passed my final exams at the South-West State University and graduated with high honors with a Juris Doctor in Criminal Justice.
On July 31st of 2008, I arrived to America and never left. In America, I taught myself English, published my first book about SMART goals, became an award-winning author, and graduated from GA State University with an MBA in 2013 with a 3.74 GPA.
Why am I telling you all this? To make a point. I was always confident in my intelligence and decision-making abilities. I always trusted my discernment.
That was until I married the Narcissist… He taught me to doubt my thoughts through a series of very clever mental cruelty tactics I’ll explain in detail here.
Being married to a Narcissist 

Narcissistic abuse has to do with the mental cruelty tactics the Narcissist deploys to manipulate the mind of his victim very eloquently. In my case, the mental cruelty was practiced on me.
There are several narcissistic abuse tactics, all explained below from my personal marriage experience with my own poems created out of deep pain and my own loss of decision-making ability.
Making his victim feel inadequate, indecisive, doubtful, confused, and disoriented is the goal of the Narcissist.
Narcissistic Abuse Techniques

#1. PREMEDITATED DECEPTION TO LURE ME IN.
The Narcissist lured me into a premeditated deception because I was his trophy: beautiful, smart, educated, and independent. The Narcissist targeted me for many months before he got to meet me. He waited 11 months from the first time he approached my friend asking for an introduction to actually getting to meet me as I was on a no-dating journey for 600 days.
Once we met, he did everything he could to appear a man of God and present himself in the best light possible. His goal was to have me, because for HAVING me he loved getting COMPLIMENTS. Praise, compliments, admiration from others are all his Narcissistic Supply. I provided those, I was a source of the food for the Narcissist’s Ego, so he wanted to have me to satisfy his need for “food.”
He’d say: I can’t believe you chose ME out if the men. I’m honored. It was a checkbox for him to check.
The same thing he wanted to HAVE me FOR was the thing he HATED me FOR.
Why? Because the Narcissist lives in the world of scarcity, so he constantly compared himself to me. My accomplishments eventually made him feel like he himself didn’t measure up. He repeatedly said it to me and he was in an ongoing competition to prove to me that he was better that me.
I wrote a poem about it.
The Narcissist is jealous of your accomplishments.He targeted you for your beauty and smarts -Because for having you he loves getting compliments;But that is also where his hatred toward you starts.The Narcissist lives in the world of scarcity.Your success to him means that he doesn’t measure up.He hates on you with laser-focused clarity,Aiming to completely empty your emotional cup.He drains your energy and hope out of youBy gaslighting you to make you feel crazy.He also meticulously projects his every fault on you,So that it looks like your mind is confused and hazy.To intentionally devalue you and to make you feel worthless,The Narcissist exercises another clever technique.It’s called Narcissistic Silent Abuse and it’s a very painful nonsense,Because he completely ignores you and for months with you doesn’t speak.He doesn’t acknowledge your existence or presence,He makes sure you feel useless and worthless,Unless he needs money from you or presents,Then, he will be nice until his next nonsense.In the Narcissist’s make-believe universe,He is the All-Mighty All-Powered Superior.Even if for months his erratic behavior toward you is adverse,He easily continues to maintain with others a pleasant exterior.But you are his survival-essential Narcissist Supply,So prepare to be attacked with long-lasting mental cruelty.Get ready, because the Narcissist wants you to dieAnd he won’t tolerate your success continuity.In his own head, the Narcissist constantly competes with you.For him to feel better about himself, you must fail.So, with his well-thought cruel techniques, he confuses you.And you get so depressed that you can no longer avail.

#2. GASLIGHTING TO MAKE ME FEEL CRAZY.
The Narcissist intentionally took cruel actions to make me feel mentally incompetent, to persuade me, to assure me that I was CRAZY.
He manipulated my brain to believe it. There’s a movie about it, it’s scary. It’s called “Cruel Intentions.”
I was completely devastated believing I was mentally incompetent. Once I put the 2 and 2 together, the Narcissist’s cruel actions started all to make sense: his goal was to make me feel crazy. Unnoticeably for me. And he succeeded.
No one ever believed me about any of his cruel tricks because he pretended to be a totally different person around people.
I was mentally exhausted from his cruelty and manipulative games, so I myself appeared strange to people. Everyone believed that he was an amazing man.
I wrote a poem about gaslighting and what the Narcissist did to me to make me feel crazy.-
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuseUsed by the Narcissist in order to instill in you as his victimAn extreme sense of anxiety so you become completely confused,To the point where you no longer trust your discerning mental system.The emotional damage of Gaslighting is huge on the Narcissist’s victim.Gaslighting is truly the most powerful covert method of Narcissistic Control.You are mentally manipulated to never be able to predict him,And to make you feel crazy and brain-scattered is his primary goal.The Narcissist’s agenda is to first kill your confidence.He needs your energy and glow but also feels that he himself doesn’t measure up.That’s why he meticulously sets out to make you doubt your own mental competence,So that with self-doubt, sadness, and insecurity is filled your emotional cup.He’s very clever at making you doubt the reality of your own perception.He’s very intentional at persuading you to question the evidence of your own senses.The facts are always twisted is the Narcissist’s very believable deceptionTo make it seem as if he were a victim so that you pay his expenses.The Narcissist constantly hides whatever makes him feel ashamed,But if he can’t hide, he will just skillfully lie.He is terrified if his actions create negative consequences to establish the truth aimed.He will work over time to persuade anyone that you are crazy and he is just a good guy.

#3. PROJECTION TO MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY FOR HIS FAULTS.
The Narcissist was portraying himself perfect and me as a terrible person. That was his main belief in his own mind. He was confident that he could do no wrong. He equated himself to a saint.
The Narcissist doesn’t have a Real Self, only his Ego Self.
He is incapable of reflecting on his actions. In the Narcissist’s mind, he was HIS MAJESTY and I was there to simply serve his needs. It’s called an ENMESHED RELATIONSHIP.
[relationships types video]
The Narcissist manipulated the truth in every situation in the way that I believed that his faults were actually mine and so I felt guilty for his faults.
I wrote a poem to explain how the Narcissist projected his faults on me so eloquently.
Projection is Narcissist’s favorite trick.It’s his fine art of making you feel guilty for his vices.He exhausts you with his manipulation and makes you mentally weak.Then, he starts Silent Treatment on you and to make sense of his cruelty you’re left to your own devices.You have been harmed by the evil NarcissistWho once upon a time portrayed himself as a genuine person.But nothing genuine or vulnerable in him even exists.The more you believe the Narcissist, the more his mental cruelty will worsen.The Narcissist doesn’t see you for who you are.In fact, he doesn’t see you at all.His relationship with you is so bizarreBecause your only value is to praise and admiration supply to his ego-filled soul.So, how is he so successful at projecting his faults on you?Well, remember that relationship phase when he was cherishing and sweet?That’s when the Narcissist persuaded youThat he is wise and trustworthy and that his companionship you really need.Later on, the Narcissist rendered you as his victim to emotional terror,Which you had to deny for a while to simply survive.This mental coping mechanism has been practiced by war prisoners forever.It’s when you stop trusting your own perception of reality to be able to stay alive.So, the Narcissist projects his faults on you easily,Because you don’t have any confidence from abuse and doubt your every thought.With time, as the scope of his mental cruelty is increasing,To project more and to gaslight you more the Narcissist ought.

The Narcissist manipulated me to the point of being depressed and suicidal. I was devastated, unable to think for myself, full of self-doubt, and I was always crying. Let’s be honest: I was always weeping.

Experiencing paralysis by analysis

The Narcissist succeeded: I was paralyzed by indecision. I remember the day I come home from work, he threatens me and say: “I’m not in the right mind and if I were you, I’d leave the house right now or something bad might happen!!!” But instead of taking most logical action and leaving, I am standing there in the middle of a hallway completely paralyzed and blinking. I was decision-making impaired.
The very few people who knew the truth begged me to get out of there. People offered to pay to move me out. But I couldn’t decide. My mind was in the fog. I didn’t trust my decision-making ability. I was persuaded that I was crazy. My every next step seemed to already be a mistake.
Discovering God’s Spirit of Truth

Shortly after receiving that threat, I realized that I can’t rely on myself to make any decisions. I even struggled at work at the time because I had lost confidence and felt mentally-impaired.
Proverbs 3:5-6 says this:“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
I realized that only if I reach out for Jesus regarding every decision, small or big, will I be able to start deciding with confidence.
James 1:5 tells us hoo:w to go about it:“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”

I believed God’s word, so I needed to embrace the truth: I had a sound mind of power from Christ.
2 Timothy 1:7 said this:
“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power and of a sound mind.”

So, God’s Spirit in me, the Spirit I received through Christ, was the one enabling me to make good decisions… Ok, got it!

Taking the gift odecisiveness from God

Have you ever walked into a room with a beautiful Christmas tree there seeing clearly the gift wrapped beautifully and marked with your name?
And then you got distracted and left, forgetting the gift…
The gift was already yours. It had your name on it. It belonged to you. It was assigned to you so you can have it. Its purpose was for you to enjoy it.
The only reason why you still didn’t have the gift was because you didn’t accept it. You didn’t take the gift that was yours, so you couldn’t enjoy having your gift.
I found out from studying the Bible that the sound mind of power I inherited from my creator was already mine. I was given the gift of decisiveness.
The only reason why I had not yet had Christ’s decision-making gift and confidence in my discernment was because I never reached out for the gift to take it and have it.
Once I understood where decisiveness was supposed to come from, I reached out for the gift that was already mine and I begun to enjoy my newly-discovered decisiveness. 

I was able to make good decisions.
The sound mind of power I use for making decisions is not my own. I don’t count on myself and my ability anymore. Instead, I pray about my decision-making and God gives me His infinite wisdom through the Holy Spirit in me. 

I choose Spirit instead on Flesh.
To demonstrate visually how I make decisions, I created this new tool: ITCEBO model for thought processing.
[download the ITCEBO model now]
It’s very important to be able to make good decisions when it comes to career, family, marriage, business, budgeting, hobbies, health, and relationships.
This model is a blueprint for me to help see what decision will cause what outcome based on the word of God.
[make good decisions with ITCEBO model]

Listening to the Holy Spirit speak to me as I made new decisions and worked through the word of God to follow Christ’s commands resulted in getting the answers to all my questions, sound decisions, confidence, and peace.
Isaiah 30:21 recommends listening to the Holy Spirit like this, when in doubt:“Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.””

The ITCEBO model helps guide my decisions because the Holy Spirit will never lead me the way that’s not in tact with the Word of God. 

The model shows me the Word of God and I can discern which decision will lead to which outcome based on the visuals the model offers.

Making good decisions with Jesus

Once I began reaching out to Jesus for help with my decisions, I’ve gained confidence and peace every time a new decision was made. 

Decision after decision, I was able to trust my discernment again and feel wise instead of mentally-incompetent.
Here’s a poem I wrote about it.
“I trust the Holy Spirit in me” 9/3/17
I am wise & I show a good judgement.Jesus has become for us wisdom from God.My experiences for the hope of others are meant.My wisdom is with the Holy Spirit intact.
I am prudent & I show a keen mental discernment.My conduct is in accordance with God’s Word determined.I am careful, reasonable, certain & decreed.I am aware, rational, logical & concrete.

To help me recover from the mental damage caused by the Narcissist and him mental cruelty, I committed to self-care.
I began practicing self-care, reaching out to God for wisdom, searching for lessons in everything, and trusting Jesus. That improved my relationship with God and enabled me to trust my choices. I felt liberated from the Narcissist and confident in my ability.
I wrote a poem about self-care and how it helped my recovery from narcissistic abuse. It was a process, but self-care saved me from suicide, especially meditation and journaling to create headspace to process all the mental haze of the Narcissist’s cruelty.

The antidote for Narcissistic Abuse is self-care.Self-care enables you to get back your sanity and power.To heal your mind, daily meditation and devotionals headspace you need whereWith biblical truth about who you are your your soul you empower.Having endured Narcissistic Gaslighting, Silent Treatment, and Projection,You’re mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted and sick.Your mind needs now very strong and solid protection.You can only get it if Biblical truth you devotedly seek.Meditate on Biblical affirmations every day:”I am a child of God, “I’m special,” “I’m valuable.”With passion out loud these affirmations say.God’s truth plants in your mind powerful seeds that are viable.Self-care is how you survive and thrive.Eat healthy, exercise, journal, and sleep 8 hours.If sleeping is troublesome, to use essential oils strive.Also, to have quality sleep help warm bedtime showers.Walk outside in the sun for some time.It might be difficult to make yourself do it initially.Go slowly and try just a few steps at a time,Until 10000 steps a day you can claim officially.Most importantly, spend quality time with God.Cry out to Him about your pain and confusion.Ask Him to free you from all the mental mudThe Narcissist instilled in you with his well-planned delusion.Self-care must become your new daily habit.Every time you endure cruelty from the Narc, meditate and pray.You must also figure out how to no longer with him cohabit.While you live in the same house, he will surely on you prey.Ask God to show you His plan for your way out.Fill your mind up regularly with the Gospel.Get to a safe place where you can heal from self-doubtAnd where you can have peaceful environment and not hostile.Self-care also means that you will intentionally refocus.You do need to understand what happened to you to move on -Just don’t get stuck on why of the past and instead on the how of the future focus.And make sure that on your journey you purposefully get closer to God drawn.

Using your gifts from God to make good decisions 

You are decisive because God Himself makes your path straight through the Holy Spirit. You can make good decisions every day reaching out for Jesus and listening to God’s voice. Trusting His will for your life, believing that He will use all things together for good, that’s the foundation of making decisions following the Holy Spirit in you. You are able to make good decisions because you have a sound mind of power from Christ.
Do you believe this? If you do, memorize the Biblical affirmation below and practice it often to remember that you are capable of making good decisions.

I am decisive 

I’m decisive because God makes my path straight.I ask Him for direction, and He gives me wisdom graciously.His plans to propel and prosper me are always great.I lean on Him and pursue His will in my life tenaciously. How does it make you feel to know that you decisive? Share with me in the comments below so I rejoice with you.
If this devotional was helpful, download all #52Devotionals now.

SHARING IS CARING, SHARE THIS